There are some people that come into your life that is very
profound for you. Sometimes even though you don’t know them you feel better
with them than you ever did yourself. It
truly is a wonderful feeling. You might
almost let yourself forget that you are your own person and that your brain
still works in the same process. I myself might have fallen a little too fast.
Not by looks or desires to exceed expectations, But by the respect and the
desire to appreciate me. What could I ever ask in a man other than the way I
have been treated in the last few weeks? I only wish that I had found it
sooner. I have to let things come as they come in this process. Especially
someone willing to take the time to know who I am and I have always wanted
someone to do that. There will be no rush for that. For I find I have the same
desire to learn him. I cannot push.
I have also had a horrible reminder of who I was and who I
am today. It brought my happiness to a low level today. I had to remember that
we have other people in our lives other than ourselves to think about. I have to let happen what happens. It is hard.
Especially knowing how I feel now. I have a larger blog that I wrote the other
morning in tears. I am sure that the emotions that were swimming have changed
and my senses have fixed themselves. I am not going to lie to myself he could
be running amuck right now. But I would like to think that he is as honest as
he is presenting himself. Besides for the first time I don’t feel like that is
going to happen again. I have to keep
being me. I don’t feel a need to change who I am and I don’t feel that I have
to question if I should change. I can just be me. Sometimes that is really a
good thing and sometimes a really bad thing.
I hope to never have the need to show any bad side but my good but the bitch
does peak around the corner ever so often.
I can only hope that it does not scare off what is and what could
be. See…I have gotten myself wound up
again. Just let things happen, Tabbatha.
I am going to attach it though to this piece so we can see
how mixed up I am right now. Considering all the people that read this blog….lmao.
I like that I can have the opportunity to have the input but not to have the
care that people might actually care about what I have to say. But it makes it
easier to do so. But then maybe I should
not attach such thoughts on how I feel like that. You get this much. Why place
myself outside such a escape and let you
know what I really feel deep down. Oh, that’s right. No one reads my blog. SO…I
guess if you read it and you really want to know, you have to ask for it. So it
will remain private for me anyway. I guess that I can add it in the final
chapters that hurt have wound up in the last couple of years. I am truly afraid
to find out what people think of it. People seem to lash out when they think
that they might think you are talking about them. In some cases, that might be
true and in others no so much. I am glad that you can relate. But that action
or emotion not always contains you or I. I am not ready to publish it I
supposed. So much to say at this point and time. I know I write about my own
hurt. That part is easy. It’s trying to understand someone else’s hurt and
placing it into words. Is something else. I am the last person to try and understand why things
happen. I always ask lots of questions and want to know what you are thinking.
Sometimes I do it to the wrong people. Sometimes the right. Sometimes no one
talks and I just have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell. I can
only assume those thoughts and feelings. Not good stories to tell for the book
but in any case they exist. Someone has
to tell them I guess.
I can’t keep pretending that I live in a fucking Disney
story. Reality is…sigh~ we all know what reality is. We all live it and it sucks a lot. We deal
with it and all the pain that we make and the pain people present to us. I sometimes wonder why people have to make
things so hard. Why they let themselves be so miserable? I hate it. Then again
I love it. I think that I have found the
happy medium. Happiness as a form of
slavery of sort…I love the idea of it though. If I have to be a slave to
happiness then so be it. At least I am not in misery’s back yard right? Hmmm… misery. She still peaks around corners.
She likes to play games and try to turn things upside down. So fuck her. Really? I can say that right? I
am tired of her getting in my head and putting doubt in my brain. I am a sucker
for doubt. Too bad for her that I am not playing her game this time around. HEHE..She must be pissed. Oh well, let my thoughts
wonder too long. Let be what will be.
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