Horrible People

So this blog might hurt someone’s feelings but I hope that people can stay adults.

I am so incredibly hurt right now. Yea, yea you apologized, but that does not change what was said to them. No one is perfect and no one is completely happy. Maybe I am down A LOT but I also have the mind that others might be too. I guess the whole disappoint in what happened was not how things went down. It was what was said.

NO ONE ever has the right to tell someone how horrible they are. I know because I have been told how horrible I am. No I am not trying too being up the past. I just know how hard it is to overcome someone telling you how bad you are. I don’t think that anyone has any right to say anything to anyone about how horrible they are as a person. Whether it is morals or ethics. There is not one thing that you can say to someone else that you won’t also find in yourself. I know because I have been on that side of things too. No, I am not a know it all. I also don’t know everything either.  But I know this. I also know that when I look in the mirror every day I find those faults again and again and I have to say “I am not that person anymore.” That is what I say but the last few days have challenged me to become that person again. I have never been so mad in my life and I have never fought so hard in my life not to reach out and untie the part of me. Please never accuse me of abusing you when I haven’t even begun to start any kind of abuse. My friends and family can tell you that I can take the world and smash it around you if it is called for. I am not saying I am great but I am pushed enough I can become that person again. I hate the fact that I can still reach out and find that part of me again and I guess that I always will be able too. But when you tell someone off, give it some tact and maybe use some big words or something don’t belittle yourself with the wrong use of words and even some wrong information. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors and NO ONE belongs in other people’s business. Someone might use you as a leaning post and I hope that you use that information to help that person, and not use it because you just couldn’t help yourself and could only know half the information. But that is really not the case is it. It’s that face that no one is ever meant to hear how horrible they are. Perhaps they are already knocked down, down and out or dealing with something that no one even knows about yet. Not everyone tells their secrets to just anyone and everyone.  

At this point I am made to look like that bad guy to all and you have made yourself the victim. That is okay with me in the long run. I at least know I had the self-control to no be that person anymore. I know that I won that challenge even if you don’t know it or even know who that person used to be. I do and I won that battle. I hope that I never have to be tempted to be that person anymore. Maybe that might make me a bit of a push over, but I would rather be a push over than the raving crazy bitch I used to be. Even though I am told that I still might be… just a little bit.

Some Holiday Joy...

SO this holiday season I am really down and out. This is a time you are supposed to find the things that you are grateful for in your life. Right now I just can’t seem to find much that I am grateful for? I find myself more and more frustrated everyday as I am finding that I can barely pay my own bills. I can’t do any kind of Christmas and I can’t stop what I am doing to have any kind of human interaction other than what I get at work. It seems that I don’t have the time for any kind of real relationship. I am screaming for something. Some laughter, real conversation, real time that I can enjoy this and just even time to think. I am so tired all the time and it’s just not my body. I am tired all the time because of all the drama from talking and dealing with people all the time. I just stopped talking to some people just to see if the drama stopped.  Just to see how much of those drama rumors were true. I just don’t care anymore. Some people have just ruined the friendship on their own insecurities. Some ruined it because they think they can talk to me like they can control me. Guess that really turned me off so why bother. That bullshit came up again and I was done. I want something real in my life. Looks like I won’t be getting that. I know I am almost at a breaking point. I just hope I don’t break down in the wrong place. I might screw just the simple things in life. I can’t even get the basic things I need I see no point in moving on.

I guarantee that someone will take offense and say I am your friend and or that I talk to you and whatever else. This is not to say you are not there for me. Its to say I am looking for something more in life.  Something that fits me, fits the life I want to lead and the person I want to be.

F&*K YOU

FUCK YOU

IT IS SAD THAT THE FIRST LINE THAT COMES TO MY MIND TO WRITE TONIGHT IS THESS WORDS. KINDA FUN. NO NOT REALLY I HAVE HAD A REAL HARD LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. MOST OF THIS ISSUE IS IN MYSELF. SOME OF IT IS WITH OTHERS. BUT WHAT CAN I SAY AND DO ABOUT OTHERS THEY RUN THEIR OWN LIVES. I GOT MY OWN TO WORRY ABOUT. FUCK YOU WORLD. FUCK YOU LIFE. WTF? I REALLY HAVE NOTHING. I AM MAD AT A PERSON. I AM MAD BECAUSE I CAUGHT THEM IN A SET UP. I MADE IT AND I KNEW THE OUTCOME BEFORE I FINISHED. FUCKED UP MUCH. YES. AM I GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? OR AM I GOING TO FILE IT AWAY FOR ANOTHER DAY? CHOICES THAT WE ARE PRESENTED WITH.  CHOICES THAT I DON’T CARE TO MAKE JUST YET. NOT GOING FURTHER INTO THAT ONE. YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS BUT I WON’T ANSWER. SAD THING IS EVERYTIME I WRITE A BLOG EVERYONE HAS TO ASK IS IT ME? DID I PISS YOU OFF? IS EVERYONE GULITY MUCH? SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON’T HAVE TO DO WITH YOU. SO IF YOU WANT TO WONDER, DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME, SPACE AND THOUGHT. FAR AS I AM CONCERNED WHAT I DID WAS NOT BAD. DIDN’T EVEN START AS A SET UP. THEY SET THEMSELVES UP ACCIDENTLY ON PURPOSE MAYBE. ANYWAY, YOU GUYS CAN FIGHT OVER WHO YOU WANT IT TO BE. BUT I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THE TRUTH.

I WORRY ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT PHASE OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN IN I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT KINDA MAKES ME TURN INTO A ZOMBIE. WELL JEEPERS CREEPERS.  I HAVE BECOME ONE OF THOSE. OH MAN SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD NOW. WHY WOULD THIS BE OKAY? ITS REALLY NOT, JUST WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH ON THE BRAIN ITS ALMOST LIKE IT JUST SHUTS DOWN. I FUCK UP A LOT, HENCE THE PHRASE FUCK YOU. THE ONLY THING I THINK A ZOMBIE WOULD SAY IF IT COULD SPEAK.  I EXPECT TO MUCH OUT OF LIFE AND SOMETIMES IT IS AS IT IS. FUCKED UP. I HAVE TO TAKE IT THAT WAY AND WORRY OR TRY AND FIND SOME ASPHALT FIELDS OF JASMINE…NOT HAPPENING IN MY LIFE OR BEFORE. I NEED ONE THING TO HAPPEN TO SET MY LIFE ON FIRE TO SET ME FREE OF THIS RUT THAT I AM IN. WALDEN WOULD BE PROUD OF THE WAY I HAVE USED HIS WRITING IN MY LIFE. MAYBE NOT HOW I LIVE IT BUT HOW I HAVE APPLIED THE CONCEPT AT LEAST.

 FUCK IS A BIG WORD IN THIS ESSAY SO AGAIN LET ME SAY. FUCK. I AM UNSURE IF IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER YET BUT THE RED FITS MY MOOD. STRANGE. NEVER BEEN A RED PERSON. BUT HERE IT IS. FUCK FEELS GOOD TO BE A DIFFERENT COLOR FOR THE FEW SHORT MINUTES I WRITE MY BLOG…

TIME IS AN ISSUE HERE OF LATE TOO. I HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT OR JUST NOT ENOUGH OF IT. AND OF COURSE NOT AN OUNCE OF TIME TO WRITE. I PROMSIED A BLOG DAYS AGO AND I AM JUST NOW DOING AND I AM NOT EVEN WRITING ON WHAT I WAS GOING TOO ANYWAY. FRUSTRATING. MAYBE I AM SELFISH WITH MY TIME BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING UP WHAT MAKES ME ON THE WRITING. NOT HAPPENING AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STANDING IN THE WAY OF IT. SOMETIMES LIFE JUST TAKES OVER. I UNDERSTAND. I JUST GOT TO DO BETTER AT THIS. AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GIVE MYSELF. I MEAN REALLY. FUCK. I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. FUCK ME. I FEEL LIKE A FAILER.

Bitch Out

You know what I am a complainer. I like to complain. But what does it say when the complainer says that it is just time to stop complaining? Its pretty fucking bad. I am almost to the point to stop talking to this person because they are bringing me down so bad.  I don't want too but I am trying to do things better in my life fix my mistakes why do I need someone to keep reminding me of my faults and or making some things worse than they are by exaggerating on a particular situation. Yes, I have made some really bad fucking choices have hurt lots of people but damn fucking shut up and change it. Its already known your not going to take any ones advice but your own so just fix it, see it, own it! I have to every fucking day. Even if its a little mistake I still have to own up to it and fix it. I can point and blame for so long and boom right in my fucking face again. Fuck that shit. Just deal with it and take care of it don't swim around in your own shit for years because your too fucking scared. Stop saying that your gonna do and then never do. Just make yourself happy for once. Damn.

Jasmine in the Asphalt feilds

So what can I really say about the last couple of weeks...So much has happened not only mentally but physicaly for me too. Life changing. Not much to really go on about...

I do have one thing I would like to bitch about today and I might piss someone off but it really needs to be said. So here it goes.

Not everyone is against you and not everything is your fault. This is something I try to overcome on somethings still today. But somethings just happen and there is nothing you can do about it. I have always said that YOU make the choices that change your life. Not that I don't believe in a greater power to lead us; just I think we always have a choice to change it. It always gives you a choice. Sometimes you make the right choice and sometimes you don't. Sometimes those choices follow you for years...sometimes you just dwell on them for so long that they are like brand new in your eyes all the time.

 Example: I remember once when a friend hurt me. She said some really bad things that hurt really deep to the core of who I was, though I am not that person anymore, I still from time to time look in the mirror and say "I am not a horrible person." It took a really long time for me to even say it. Though this person and I are good friends today and we have both apologized to each other, I still sometimes think I must be a horrible person. Its not her fault I have this downfall but I sometimes still have it. I have to tell myself that I am just not that person anymore. Move on I say. I wanted to change myself.

So I changed and I discovered a world that had been waiting for me. I became stronger. Not only emotionally but mentally. I sometimes wonder about my sisters though. They each dwell on their own needs and forget that others have feelings too. Trust me I am not a perfect person I have my moments and I will be the first to say that. But how can I trust in my sisters when they are not strong enough to trust in themselves? There is a battle before us and so far I have one that I shut off and blocked out of something she can control, I have another that is demeaning herself and dealing with things she needs to let go before they are used against her, and another that just needs to know that we love her and believe in herself and she can accomplish great things.  After everything I have seen and all that I have made it through I have no reason not to beleive in myself. I can do anything I can overcome and I can come back and save my loved ones even if they dont want to be saved.

I cant let them take control. I would not be that person to let them hurt themselves because their minds were not open or their souls were roaming in another place. Though my soul always wonders looking for the Jasmine in the asphalt filled feilds, I can control those that have tried to take me from my reality. Sometimes what you dont see and sometimes the stories that you think you know are so much bigger than what you think they are. Never judge me. I would blow your mind. That is if I ever chose to tell you. I am not about the been there done that shit. But if I tell you something and or tell you do to something, you should probley beleive me and do it. Just sayin...

So to my sisters: Time to snap out of it. We need eachother now and we not only need to believe in ourselfs but eachother. So before I can put my life in your hands. Fix it. Stop blaming everything on yourself, stop complaining that everyone is against you and for Goddess sake remember that in your choices you need to make sure you think of someone besides yourself. Remember that you are strong and that you can do what people say you cant and you can over come the hardest roads if you just wake up every day knowing that your not going to let anyone walk all over you. Help those that need it. Maybe just a little, maybe just a lot. Maybe you got to forget the past and realize that sometimes its just not about you anymore but about that person who was placed in your life right here, right now that needs YOU! Remember YOU make the choices in your life, you chose what road to travel. You choose to play the fiddle or to keep on walking. You can beat the greater evil without selling your soul to be happy.

Signing off...just for a bit.

Today I deleted my Facebook account. I am unsure if I will go back. I dont think that I need it. It seems like a big deal. It really is. A lot of my friends and family are on it. But there is always something. Just as much as there is good, there is bad. I know those that are my friends will come read my blog. If they actually were reading it. But this is not about my blog. It is about me. About where I belong in life. I dont need the added on drama. I dont want to know other people's problems. I just dont care about it that much. Maybe that is what makes me such a bitch as my brother likes to call me. But sometimes I wonder if people really use their brains? Have I crossed some kind of bridge that I can just look at people and go "what the fuck did you think was gunna happen?" I mean really I know I have made choices that people have looked at me about and thought the very same things. "Are you sure you really want to do that?" and "I wouldn't do that if I were you." and my favorite from my mom "you did what?" I see myself saying these things a lot. I dont know why. But sometimes I wonder why I enlisted in the whole idea of people in my life. They complicate my thoughts. Yes, I am a person. I am just as human as you but at the same time I am done dealing with the crap of people. People are dumb. They piss me off so much. Yes, I am sorry I really really like it in my head right now. No I am not depressed, in fact I am very very happy. I feel my fingers tingeling and if someone gets in the way of it, it will go away again. I dont have time. I have wasted so many years and it is all about to spill into a void if I do not do something about it first. Fuck the rest of it. I need to get this out. I dont need the interaction in the drawings of it either. Call me selfish but this is me signing off for just a little while...just so the void does not become full of my words.

Lighting my broken Tardis.

Over the past week I have found that I have reached inside me and found a little light that put a smile on my face. First time in months I think I giggled at the dumbest joke told to me. Strange how when left alone the roads that are open to you. I have a lot to clean up in my life. I was on a bitter road of depression, not only did my body and emotions state it but the way I lived did as well. Taking the extra time to get ready everyday just to make sure I feel good about myself as I walk out the door, actually having the motivation to clean up after myself. I did not realize how depressed I really was. It was like I just forgot the world. I was lost, a machine, a zombie! I dont know what it was that really ignited that little light deep inside me. Its like the engine blew up on the Tardis and the only thing still sparking is the lonely little spark plug that brought it back to life.

Perhaps it was a smile at the right time or a conversation that meant something more than just a little flirting? Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to sit down at a meal with a Christian and an Athiest and have a conversation about science of all things and it was one of the best convos I have had in a long while. That one is written in the history books. I loved every seceond of it.  Maybe, its the fact that I know that everyone is at least a phone call away from falling themselves. That I know I am not the only one floating around wondering whats going to happen next? Then there are those who I watch the hand feed and I wonder why did it stop feeding me? I know, because a long time ago I was the one that was pegged to be stronger. The one to get it and take and live with it. To help others when they asked and sometimes when they dont.  I am the strong one. People dont worry about me when they dont hear about me because I find a way out. I find a way through. Now wheather I come out 100% is a question yet to be answered. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to deal with other peoples problems. I never asked for this. It was given to me.

Some are still scared to come to me with the whole truth about things that happen. I really dont want all the facts. Sorry love, sometimes its just not needed. Something that no one understands is that I need to regenerate so to say. I get lost in all the hopelessness that people pass along the day I turn out like I did. Yes, the road that brought me to that darker road was my own...and then some. Some people you just cant save. Not because they wont allow you to just because it is not meant to happen. Sad day when one realizes that they have changed their live to save a life that did not want to be saved. Someday, someone will save him, but it wont be me. I was mearly a passer by in a life that was suppsed to only give guidence to a better way of life. I am in the understanding that I may never see that person again. Shared a lot with him. But altogether, I was mearly just a short time in all the life he has yet to live. As he was in mine.

Opening doors again is not easy, when you were made to shut them down. I know who I am, what I believe and what roads I walk down to get things done. I can not change anyone but myself and if others dont accept who I am then what am I to do about it? Not much to do but nothing. Even if my own father can walk away from me at my brothers wedding and still can walk down the road in his own shoes. It will not change who I am and what I have done in my life. It does not effect the way that I change myself today. I only hope that someday his road is his own and lead by only him and on that day I hope our roads cross so that I can tell him that I miss him and love him. I can only hope he accpets me. On that day my happiness will be such a bliss I will admit but it will not make the whole of my happiness. I have to move on and deal with the mistakes I have made.  After all they are mine and I am the only person that will answer to them in my final hours.

Some people dont like it when I say, "you make the choices in your life." I dont understand why they get so upset. I dont understand why they try to avoid such a realistic statement. How can you not make your own choices? Fate does not state everything, It can be changed. You have a destination. How you get there is your choice. Just like how happy or sad you are. It is all your choice. Mind over matter. I find that in my head I fight it all the time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have those choices. That I am actually the one making them. That I am the adult and the only person I answer too is me. I have forgotten that in all this world has shown me. I control everything that happens in my life. Only the actions that I do are the ones that change me to be the better person. Even though my life has walked me down some really crooked roads and I am finding lies from former relationships years after the fact, I am still growing to be better. So what if that was the way it happened, it happened and it happened a long time ago. Why would I still mourn over it today? Facinating, that I found the information but it means nothing now.

So I am holding the little spark that is lighting up my broken Tardis. Its only my choice if I want to give it another 10 years of my life or take it away. I am thinking that to be one of a kind, to be who I am...I will give it another 10 years of my life.

Someone to follow me into the Dark

I guess that you could say that I am having a hard time. I got what I wanted and that was to be alone. But then being alone was much better than being stuck with someone that you still felt like you were alone with.  Perhaps I belived Disney when he altered his fairy tales to always have a happy ending. Or perhaps just the idea that there might be someone out there that could make me just tremble all over by just the thought of them. It breaks my heart even more knowing that I have never felt that. I know people say, "oh, my husband doesnt make me feel like that everyday!"  Your always laughing at me. But what happens when he has to go away? What happens when you are alone. Who is there to hold you? Have you taken advantage of him? Taken the advantage that he will always be there? This can go vice versa for those "men" who read my blogs. Do we take avantage of out lovers and act like they will always be there? Those of us that sleep or slept next to a warm body that did not know how to love is even left wth the feeling that they should have snuggled a little closer when they had the chance. What I would give just for a warm touch right now. No, not sex, just the presence of someone who actually wants me to sit next to them, hold my hand, kiss me and let me know that they are not going to let me fade away. Knowing that they will follow me into the dark. Is that really so much to ask?

Knowing I would not follow my own former husband into the dark becuase he could not promise me that he would do the same. I walked away. Is there not someone who would challenge me? I know I could do it. The only proof I need is that you love me. That even if you dont make me tremble to my toes everyday that it wouldnt take much to make me. Someone to love me. Someone to follow me into the dark.

If I knew you loved me.

Sometimes I think late at night that I could forgive you for everything. If only I knew that you loved me. I could come to think that you would be accepted no matter what you did, if you could prove that you did in fact love me. I would even say that if you were on your knees begging me that all would be forgotten on what you have said and done to others. But you wont. You dont love me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever did? I was alone still married to you because you would not think of anyone but yourself and of course your grandparents. Yes, they are good people but at some point shouldnt I matter too? No, because I dont matter. If I were on the edge of the cliff and you had to jump over fire to save me, I know I would die. Sad hard truth. Truth hurts though. The truth that everything about you and I ended up a lie. Everything changed all the long conversations that of who we are and how we wanted life to be. It was a lie between eachother. You never understood anything. Because you never thought about anyone but yourself. So did you love me?

I was never meant to be the druggie.

Today I told my sister-in-law that I would not be a good druggie. Tonight, I realized it even more when I tried to unlock my car with my house key. I was like "what the hell and I doing?" I still went to the gas station to get a drink. I made it home ok. Seem to be in one piece but I also see that I tried to call m ex. Why would I do that? This pain killer stuff is kicking my ass and the thing is that I am taking them before work. No wonder people are looking at me so weird. The thing is my stats are getting better. So something somewhere is working out for me by taking the pills. I am in less pain. I really had no idea what kind of pain that I was in until I was pain free. Pretty fucked up.
 Which brings me to my mani pedi that I got Monday night. I went because I really wanted to feel better about myself. I was feeling really down and just needed something done for me. After I spent 80 bucks getting this all done I noticd crawling into bed that my big toe was sore. No biggie probley just stubbed it on something. Today went fine until I noticed that my toe was freaking hurting when walking. So I looked down and saw a huge puss bubble that was getting bigger and bigger. Well, damn I have an infection. From my pedi!!! SO, I take off work because I am worried that it could get worse because my whole toe is red and swollen. I go back to the place and tell them that I want my money back for all services that I got. The lady said that the owner was not around and that she was the manager and so I asked when the owner would be in. She then said that she was the owner. So which is she? She would only give me my money back for the pedi. Ok fair enough, but I want the owners name and number. She just gave me her name and the store number. I dont think that she is the owner and I am sure the BBB and the Health Department will figure it out. It just pisses me off.  I have been going to the same place since my grandma took me when I was 16. I am going to be 29 this year. That is a long time and a really bad way to treat a customer that has been using your services for so long.
But the reason I told you this story is because I was on pain pills when I got all this done on Monday. Could she have cut me and I not have known it? I wonder if my impairment caused me my own pain today? Or did they really just not clean their shit?
The impairment has explained some of the very strange things I have caught myself doing. It makes me wonder what other crazy shit I am doing in public?  I am sure that someone will tell me. It is really kind of scary. It is already bad enough that I play in left field on my "drugs" as I call them I think I might have made it into the parking lot trying to catch a ball thats not going to make it that far. Yea, maybe I should ask for something different but then I have already been perscribed so much that I am afraid too. Because now I am on Loritab, a ridiculous dose of Naproxen and Flexeril. This is crazy shit. Too much for me I think. I am not meant to be a druggie for sure.

So I played in left field before I got here...

I am just sitting here. Thinking. Thinking is bad for me. I want to do so many things with next to no motivation what so ever. Sucks really. It takes a lot for me to get up and going everyday and it takes a lot for me to lay down at night. Not much of this makes a lick of sense to me. Laura told me that I need to tell myself that everyday will be good. I used to do that when I could not escape the taunting of my ex. Something has changed now that I am free. I am alone like I requested. But I did not realize that I would be alone. I like my space. I do I wont lie. Sometimes I just should not be alone to all the "thinking" that I do.  I have things to do. Like picking up the house. It would take me 30 mins at the most to do everything that needs to be done. But I dont do it. I just dream about being somewhere else. I want to be somewhere else. I want my friends to come spend hours with me on my days off, but they wont. If they do come its only for a few hours at most or for what needs to be done. I have friends yes, I am not going to say that they are not like sisters to me but deep inside me I still look for a companionship that I still dont have. Not that they are not good for me I know what they are thinking now. They are good to me and the sacrifice to be my friend with the crazy dull that rides around me. Sometimes I wonder if I make them go away with the crazy things that I say.

I stare at my computer and think of a better life with my writing posted on the best seller list. It could happen. If I could write it. I remember a time that the words would just spill out of me. They were just there. I was alone then, yearning something similar then as I am now. Strange that I am still looking for the samethings years later with all that I have been through. But here I am talking about it and how I have not accomplished doing so thus far in life. That kinda sucks for me. I am getting older, though I am told I dont look my age. Greatful for that but I feel so ancient. I feel like I have been through battle. Like, raging war. The swords clashing together, the blood flying through the air. War crys echoing as the people run and just crash together in a battle of blood.  Yea, did I just walk right out of that one? I dont know but I sure as hell feel like it.  My path consumes me and in it I might fight this battle hoping that something good will consume me for fighting against an invisible army. I think Ithings that are not right in the head, starting to realize that now. Knowing that everyone has evil in them, realizing that I have tapped mine scares me to wondering what could I really do and get away with it. My mind is really wicked. I need to do something to switch this path. No good will consume me if I win in this battle...if I get a chance too.

I am not saying that love made me wicked.  That would be really unfair. I walk away from my craft afraid that I might mislead my people. So I just assign them the basic things they need to know. I havent spoken of the demons that are surfing among us. So complicated when I am left to fight them on my own.  How do you tell someone something like that? I am sorry you have demons and I am going to kill them for you. Damn, you dont! People might think your crazy...well at least the ones that dont know who you are. The ones that do already know that you see them and you are there to fight. I will never be able to fully explain what I am and what I can do. Only that tapping the wicked path that I have has left me mentally strong but drained beyond what one can imagine. Only a few know what I am talking about and so I look really fucking crazy right now. So be it. I played in left field before I got here anyway.

Humpty Dumpty Ran out of Glue...

Life pretty much sucks for everyone right now. In some way or another someone is worried about something. Money, health, love, uncontrollable tourettes, whatever it may be, it sucks. My life sucks. I wont lie. I am in the middle of a divorce, I am on a workers comp case because I fell at work and hurt myself. I really dislike my job at times, I worry about having enough money to pay my bills, I worry about having enough time and I worry about how I am going to clean my house. One because I cant carry anything over 10 pounds, thank you workers comp :(, and two I have not motivation to do shit. I get up, take a shower, sometimes I will eat, listen to music to at least start blood pumping in my cold dead heart, and stare at a blank page in an attempt to write something. I then realize that I have to leave home at, at least 12:30 to ensure I have a seat next to my Superviser and RMT. I work, I sometimes eat lunch. I watch people and try to find  a place to hide in the Sprint compound. I never do find a place to hide and I end up back in the call floor watching CNN and trying to text people who answer back. As you can see my life is lame and I havent even described what I do when I get off of work. I dont think I am going to. I think I spend most of my time thinking about how I could have changed things around. Then I look at the fact that I did not control everyone in the situation. Others had their own moves, their own words and their own ideas on how to fix, create, or solve a problem. Did it all work? No, in some cases it got worse.
So I have narrowed it down to a couple of things in my head because in my head it doesnt hurt as bad thinking about as it does realizing that it could actually hurt. I am alone. I crave the touch and affection of a man, but I can live without it? No, I really cant. But I must push people away, at least men anyway. I always want to be alone. My favorite kind of fun is in my head. There must be some kind of mental disorder for this or something. I fear I will end up alone. I mean look at this. I am going to be 29 no kids, no husband and two cats. I know, I know it takes time and people are all, what are you worried about your a sweet girl you will find someone. Ah, those people dont know about the heart I have to reactivate every morning when I get up. Those people, dont know me. They only think they know me. Which is why I push them away I guess. I am not looking for anything but someone to know me. I wont let them, again mental disorder of some kind I am sure.
Here I am babbling about how life sucks and how in the hours I spend my time thinking of ways to change the past, like it could be changed. I have really lost it im the time that passes. I just feel lost. Lost to everyone. My friends and family know me but the do not know me. The thoughts in my head are hazaedous to most people who can walk a straight line, and trust me I have never been able to do that either, sober. I am awake and alert and all I can do is write a blog that I think I am crazy and that life sucks for everyone. Then I also think I am only talking about how my life sucks. I forgot I was talking about other people too when I was on here. I dont know how to beat this. I cant keep asking for help from friends and family because I am a sorry ass. I just dont know what to do. I feel like just destorying my apartment my life and just crawling in a little room with a bed a sink and a toilet. Someone can feed me like a cat. It seems so much simpler knowing that I would just give it all up to have such simple plan of life. I dont destory anything. There is no one there to pick me up. I know people say that they are always there with me, for me. But sometimes the coffee is just not strong enough for the stranger minds to fix a situation that existed. I can only imagine what will come about from people when they read this blog. But let me tell you its text book, I am depressed. I know it. I have no idea how to deal or take care of it. So my world tumbles down and rebuilds everyday. Soon I will run out of glue. Then you wont be able to put humpty dumpty together again...

Black Heart Molds

You would think that at my age I would learn that being sneaky always ends up hurting me in the end. One would think that his little highschool girl syndrom would have in some way grown up in all that  I have been in. No, I was sneaky as hell and watched everything I already knew and expected rolled out in front of me while I sucked on my smoke and let the truth break away the last little pink pieces of my heart... I am not going to tell what I did exactly. I think I wont because I want to do it again! Tonight was a rare and interesting. It may or may not happen for me again. But I was put in this place for me to discover a few things and too see that my husband is sweet talking more than just one woman!! This one just makes him melt. I was sickened by the words said by him. Like he actually knew what love was or something? I was under the impression that he did not know how to love. He is still at it as we speak on here. People wonder why I am such a bitch? Its because every man that I have ever been with just gives up on me because they dont understand who I am.  I really didnt think I was hiding anything about myself. It is so frustrating knowing that he already even before we stopped talking had a woman that he was talking too. He never wanted to talk to me or love me. I was there for sex. Not to whisper sweet nothings too. Damnit fuck him. I am so frustrated on what he did not understand before we got married? He was the biggest mistake of my life. I settled for him and I know this now. Why? Hell if I know. He has left me even more twisted than one could imagine. Its going to take more than  a stranger to understand that I am different. Black Sheep would not describe me.  I am an outsider. The people who love me even dont understnad the depth of this distortion. I have a lot of secrets to tell. The quiet one is always the one they say to worry about. Well, I am let me see if you know what I am thinking? Do you think that you know what is going on in my head? Right, who is giong to take the time to learn? Total silence. You would rather guess and make up what you think I am than try and discover it. So my deep secrets go deeper and my back heart molds. How you going to fix that?

The Words Above My Head.

Today, my voice speaks a little softer than it has before. I sit here wondering when my time will come that my writers block can sit and just poor out the stories that run around my head. Truth is, I hate love stories. I hate them to the very core and meaning that they are. But the love that I can only imagine in my head prosper such stories to be placed on paper. I am such a sucker when it comes to love. To know that someone loves me, makes me weak in the knees. But that is only in my head. I married a man whom gave the identity of love but did not know how to cast it upon me or did not want to. So when I yearn for such things its a loss a what that could ever be. I was a differnt kind of love a differnt type of love. I wont forget it at any moment but I will just due to the fact that I am a sucker for love. I will take love over anything. I thought that I wanted money once. Then I found out when I had a little it ruined a simple thought that some people were honest. Its really not their fault. I would rather love them then loan them money anyway. Perhaps I am strange that I dream of such a thing. All the time for so long that sometimes I think I could miss it, just because I think it comes in only few forms.

The last time I saw my husband he even knew that we were over. The last touch a half a hug, and tears he did not understand that would flood my sunglass. When he left I was left totally alone for the first time in all of this. Not that I was not alone already but that the hope he would understand how to fix things, to make them right with me. Knowing that he wouldnt come back again and that our friendship would be less than talking terms made me lieterally boo hoo in my living room. I had never cried like that before in my life. When I thought I was done I walked only a few feet more to my bed just to barely sit on the edge to cry some more.  Even now remembering that emotion, makes me cry like I really dont know how to explain. I can see him being so stong in this and I know that I have broken him into a thousand pieces and he has kept himself together better than I can. Even he has said "I just dont know how to love you." I really didnt think that I had made loving me that complicated. But I guess that I did. I never will be ever to tell him that my heart broke everytime he walked away like it was nothing. I always hoped he would come back understanding that what happened was more than just him but that he loved me enough to understand that somethings I can not just leave out of my life. I dont love just him. I have a family and friends that I love just as much. Maybe I did not love him enough to walk away from that. But I have never seen why I should.

So I am back to stage one again. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what it is that I need to fix to make me feel better about myself again? I know there are so many things that would just work better if I worked better with it. I still have writers block, and I still dont sleep at night. Nothing has changed there.  Its not helping me seek for love. It is a love that I have tossed away like it is trash. I cant help but wonder who and what I stopped writing for. It was my frist love as it is. I am in over my head with a lot of words just barely slipping through the tips of my fingers. How many more days until I find this identity that I have lost? I will become better, if I could only reach my first love again. Just to write the love stories that I have stomping around in my brain. That I hate so much.

The words are all over my head. Even the most simple words meaning is just dancing along flirting with my great big brick wall, that blocks it from dating my finger tips and becoming something more than just a thought. So everyday I come home. I meditate, I dream and I wait in front of a black page on my computer and every night around 2 or 3 I close the day with an empty page.  It really is sad that I keep my words so locked up like I do. I sometimes wonder if they chose to stay there and fuck with me until I fall alsleep and peek out in my dreams. Damn little fuckers.

Perhaps, I do not live in reality but in a world that I have simply made up for myself. Its a thought that has not lept great bounds with me. I know I live in another world. (I am the weird one) I just wait for a better word to appear and try to put it on the blank page. So far I dont know what that word is? The word are all above me. I am reaching, reeeeeaaccchhhinnnggg.....ugh, love is the only word that comes to me. Its the only thing in my life that I need more than my own thoughts, which are in fact full of thoughts about love. What I would give to meet someone that was reaching for the same word.

Sad day indeed.

I guess that sometimes life just does not make sense. In the last few months I can say that evey little drop of reality that I have tasted has been as unreal as it is real. I have asked myself lots of questions in the last few days that have left me wondering what kind of person I am. I should not dwell on my past. I should not think about my past except in cases not to repeat it. I have done a lot of people wrong. Again I am the first to admit that I might have screwed you over at some point and time. At one time I was really good at it. I am not that same person now. I try, to be the better person in the wrongs that happen. Sometimes being the better person is not letting people walk all over you. Sometimes being the better person is just not letting the things from the past walk right back in. I am not allowing that time to walk back into my life. No matter how much people try to bring it back up. I have lost that time. I have bound it up in my Book of Shadows even. That part of my life is closed. I had no problem clsoing it, I still have no problem clsoing it again if I have too. Perhaps the fact that I had what I would once call, a good friend of mine walk out of my life. It seems as though she cannot lock up that world to her. There are many reasons why I can see it to be so hard. However, in so many ways she has had the chance to place her foot on the ass and shove it out the damn door. But she keeps opening up to the those doors that have big fucking "open me" signs. I have to let her go if she wants to dwell in the past of that, big pile of elephant crap, so I move on. I am done crying over her. I am just done. In a way I feel relieved that I have made this choice. Sad day indeed.

As for talking about people I love. I am not loved. At least not in the way I want to be loved. I am looking and seeking for the same things even though I was married. Soon to not be married. I even try to encourage him to do better and that he can do anything and I find out that all he wants me to do is to stop calling him. How pissy is that. He is walking away like it never happened. Does that mean he never loved me? Does that mean he married me because...? I married him because at one time I loved him. Looks like that was not his intention at all. So if I cry I cry because I am still seeking what I can not find. What a sad day indeed.

SO see you in Hell...

This one I am not sure where to start. I am not sure because I just got dumped by a long time friend because she chose God. I have no problem with God or any Gods that may come about. I am no God I dont plan to stand in his or her way at any point and time nor be in any kind of competion with him. (spelling) I do not believe the way most people do. I dont rub it in their face either. If they ask, I then tell. I dont force it on anybody. I also dont know of any belief that would tell someone that they need to dump all the people that care about them and just go with God. Inless it is some kind of cult. I have seen it then. 

The person in question at this time has in fact been in question for some time now. I must say about the last month or so. They havent been answering phone calls. Even if it is just for me to chat them up they dont answer. Frustrating really. I want my friends around. ((they were giving me rides to work and we had a little fall out due to my husband and his wild mouth, we got together and I thought had made amends on the subject, I did continue to take rides with someone else until I had to ask my friend again due to the fact that they were always busy and it seemed to be out of their way sometimes. I even before this last time asked other people and asked on FB so that I would try to find someone before I asked her because I did not want her to go out of her way. But this time she offered to help. Out in plain sight on FB. I took her on the offer))  I did not just want them around to get a ride and I do know that when my husband was here it was hard to be around everything that was going on. So I stood back for a while and let ALL my friends come around as they chose too because of the discomfort of the situation with my husband. So I did not call all the time. Sometimes you just need the girls around to have fun and chill out. Nope never answered the phone. I missed my friend. I was kinda glad that she offered to help me out agian and give me a ride too and from work because I would be able to spend time with her.

Turns out that she had been spending a lot of time with another friend. Thats great everyone is allowed to have other friends besides me! I just wanted to know that I didnt fuck up and do and say something wrong. I even left that message on her answering machine. She did call back and said that they were jsut busy and they went out of town to see her sister. Well, that is cool. Well in the change of events I had an accident at work. So that made me a little cripple. Her husband would check my mail for me and even changed the cat box. He has always done nice things like that for me and I am always greatful. Never know how to repay him for those things but to say thank you. They even took me to Wally World on Sunday so I could get a few things. I was greatful for that as well. Due to my injury I have had some weird days at work and did not need to come and get me becasue I went to the ER doctor or something that might have come up. They came over to chat and check my mail where I explained to her how my new schedule would be and that it would only be for a little while. Because I was expecting a school check and I did not want her to think that I only wanted her around for a ride. ( I know this is long but it is going somewhere) Well this morning I was ready for work and 1130 rolls around and she calls me "was I supposed to take you to work today." and I responded "yes, I told you last night I needed a ride to work today." and she responded "Ok, I will be there in just a few." Well, it was just  a few and as I was closing the door she wanted her husbands shoes that he had left in my apartment the night before. I was like ok hurry because it was already 45 after and I had to be to work at 12. I was in fact 5 mins late for work. This looked really bad on me because of all the workers comp time I had lost so far that had not been given back yet. I was ok they did not count me off. The day went off pretty well and I got a text from my friend saying that they may be a little late but they would be there to pick me up and not to worry. Totally understandable they have a life outside of taking me to work. Then at 945 I was like well this is a lot late but I can see it happening. After an hour and a half of waiting I get a ride from my cousin and make arrangements for her to take me to work for a while. I called my friend when I got home  and left her a message on the VM that I had been getting for the last two hours. Ok well I told her that I had made arragements with someone else and for her to call and tell me what was up. I went on with my normal routine.

Got on FB and there is a message from this friend of mine. In some shorter words she chose God over me and that this would be Goodbye and that she hopes to see me in Heaven. Oh, and please dont text and call me.  What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?? Did I do something to stand in the way of your God? Did I do something to stab you in the back? What did I do? Do I have some kind of God complex I dont know about? Did I ask for too much from you? Did you feel like I was taking advatage of you? If you did then shouldnt you have talked to me about it? After all this time of calling me "sister" and you turn your back on me and you cant even TELL ME TO MY FACE. THAT YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME OR BE MY FRIEND ANY MORE? DID YOUR GOD TELL YOU TO DO THAT? The message that was sent to me makes me wonder if she did some kind of suicide pack or joined a cult. She could even have called me as said that she just didnt feel right with being my friend. I would understand there have been times that I question all my friends and what is going down with them. Looks like I was questioning the wrong people. I should have been questioning them. I feel like my view and thoughts that I have entrusted with this person is no longer safe. I feel like my information is just out there for some hacker to come and take it out of her. I am so upset that she could not come to me and just tell me the truth. I have had her as a friend through some really rough times and I feel like I just got crapped on by and elephant. That is a lot of crap.

So I am saddened by a couple of things in this situation. One that my friend COULD NOT TELL ME TO MY FACE that she no longer wanted to be my friend. Two that she wanted to take back that she did not want to give me a ride to work instead of misleading me. I would have found another ride. She didnt even give me the rides anyway her husband did so, so much for SPENDING TIME WITH HER!! Three she made a choice tonight to leave me high and dry on a ride home. But not only that but that she knew she was leaving me without gettig a ride to work. WHich could have cost me my job. I got lucky and had someone willing to give me a ride to and from work for a few weeks. But if I did not have that family memeber I would no longer have this job I have workded so hard to keep. Four she knew that I would do whatever I could to help her if she would have just let me know as long as it was able for me to do.  She expressed no need for me to help her in any way and in fact avoided me and the rest of her friends that wanted to see her as well.

So I am left with a lot of questions but the number one question and the only one that I want answered is WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND WHY COULD YOU NOT COME TO ME AND TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FELT? She has all the time in the world for open words that tell truth but she has no opened doors to her anymore. So when the world come tumbling down on her no one will be there to save her. In fact dont be surprised if people dont answer their phones or doors. What she did has cut a really deep hole in my heart. I hope she knows how deep she cut. But I dont wish harm only that she finds peace in her choice and that she is able to live with it. Goodbye my friend and just so you know I am most likely not going to heaven. SO see you in Hell...

Does a broken heart still beat?

It is hard writing a post you really cant talk about. But I can write about how I feel. I feel like total and utter crap. My brain is bogged down so much with everything. Did I really start this I ask myself? Or did I really just have enough of not getting to feel the love that I needed to feel. As I held my neice this afternoon I cried because I knew that if he was still here she would never be with me here in my home. I knew that the things that happened this weekend would never have happened. It is so strnage how one person kept away so many people in my life that I really needed. Tears roll down my face now as I type. Nothing much I can say as to why yet. I do know that at one time I did love him so much that I would have followed him into the dark. But now I wont go near him in light. They do say that your darkest hours happen in the light. Dead on the inside breathing for pure health reasons. I feel dead. I should be, as many pieces as my heart is broken into it cant really beat anymore. Does a broken heart still beat?

Okay so I know I wrote a blog earlier but something just needs to get off my chest. I have been trying to be the bigger person and have tried to ignor this one thing for a really long time. I keep telling myself that things will work out and work out the right way given time. However, every time I see on my sister-in-laws page about how proud my dad and step mom are of everything that my brother and wife have done it really hurts. I am not taking it out on them they have done really good for themselves despite what they have been through. Proud of my brother right now myself. My dad does not FB but my step mom does. She is refusing to be my friend. She will email me only what she has to tell me and that is it. I have tried really hard. I have even admitted that somethings that went on was my fault because I was led astray and lied too.  That did not help any. My dad I texted him my new number and he wont even respond to me. I dont get it. At what point is enough, enough. At what point do I get to say to them "Get the fuck over it!" when will that be? I am gettting so frustrated.

So in the last week I have had some really good ups and some really good downs.  I have to say the really good up for me this week was finding out that I get money from my school and that it is large sum. I can now get a car. Cheap car but a car in the least. That was some really good news. Now I passed my test at Sprint this week and I have one more to take I feel really good about it. Even though Friday was a pretty bad day for me.

As some of you know I was supposed to move this weekend. I chose not too. Not becuase I want to stay with the husband but because he is leaving just like I thought he would. I have been fighting him for a week to help me clean up some of the bigger messes in the house. Not that we are pigs just starting working and all hard to find a happy medium for myself and getting everything done. Anyways he is going on the road to truck driving school. So I have signed him off the lease and fianlly got him to do some things around the house.  A lot more has to be done. I am just going to have to do it myself and take the whole weekend to to do it and make sure that it is up to par again. Not that its like really bad just laundry all over and stuff now got the kitchen and the bathroom cleaned so I am not to really worried about how much more I have to do.  So come hell or high water I better be in this apartment by myself and it better be on the 22nd...

One thing that happened this week is I had an old classmate delete me from her facebook. I dont say much to her because she is always saying how wonderful her life is and how great her kid is and how wonderful everything really is for her. At times it even feels like she is rubbing it all in your face.  But then again what else is FB for? Well, in the last week I have been really down and one day everyone on FB was saying how they question their friends or how they question their family etc etcn So I said something along the lines of how if you question they are questioning you too which is true. Well, she blasted me on FB. I did not know it was me however, I commented on it and said something along the lines that I deleted a lot of people this week because of it. So she posted that she was deleting me and after deleting and blocking me she continued the converstaion about me. The only reason that I know this because I have alerts on my phone and every single time somethng was said I got an alert. This went on for about an hour until the phone caught up with the delete and block. I was just kind of like dumb founded. How immature could she be? She could have emailed me and said this is about you. I am going to delete you. It would have been no big deal. But the immature actions that she displayed might have made her look cute and funny, but in the long run she is going to be the one that will be sorry when people start to see how she really treats people.

But one thing that still really hurts though I have come to terms with the fact that this one, just this one person is just too immature to handle my husband. I thought she was a friend. I really did but everytime she has a chance to see me. She skips. She says that it is because she is just so stressed that she cant handle all of it. Well, hell is she the only one stressed out? I see several of us stopping in our stressfull lives to help or talk about what it is that she may need help with. I just feel that she is not really being a good friend. That she is being selfish and yes we all are at times with our time and our complaining and whatever else some more than others, me being guilty in this just as well if not more than most of my friends. But I find that the lack of friendship makes me feel even more upset. I am just supposed to trust but how can I when I am turned over because company is intolerable? And if it is because of me and I complain to much or bitch whatever you want to say...however dont you do the same? Is there not times I just want to  avoid your personal converstaion bubble because you are bringing me down so bad? Yes! Yes! Several times but I dont leave the room and I dont complain about it. Now I might vent to a friend about it later but I will still come see you and I will still make sure that if you called me in the middle of the night needing me, that my time is made for you. I am not so sure that you will do the same?

So my week other than making a new friend that...well not a friend I guess. Moving on from that one. I hope this helps clear the air with somethings and I hope that I am not so grumpy. Do me a favor and dont try and guess who people are like some of you try to do. This blog is not about doing the gossip. If you are using it for gossip I will know soon enough. So the extra emails I get of "who are you talking about?" and "is this so and so?" I am not going to tell you. Get over that part as well. Well thank you to all those that enjoy my blogs remember you can always join as a follower and not have to write a blog!!! Thank you again.

Banana Pudding...

It has been a long time. I am glad to see that you are all here still. My goal with this new blog was to talk about some really good things that are going on in my life. I have has some really good days and some really nightmare type of days. I try not to write when I know that I will be down. I was ready to write until I unblocked someone on FB. I then got a swarm of emails about how bad of a person I was and how horrible a mother I will be if I ever can find a man that wants to give me a child. This is from my ex husbands family. (considered family?) That just adds to the whole idea that I now know that my ex husbands dad was the one telling everyone the reason we were getting a divorce was because I am a swinger and did not want to just be with my husband the rest of my life. Some father in law...But then again he still trys to beat his kids in their mid 20's. Guess you do what you know you can get away with. Especially in his case. But then again how is his son much different from him? He leaves me stranded at work half past midnight and then says that it is my fault because I dont have a phone. (I do now) Good thing my brother was around to take me home. That is one good thing about all of this is that we have been working on our relationship. It makes things better for me. Because where I was led astray I have taken back control of.  I am half way to where I want to be. I still need a few things to be on my own again. In which I have not been in years. I know it sounds like I should be counting decades. I am still young but I know that what I need right now i,s in fact, me time. I need to get back to where I wanted to be. I was in a spot of "softness" I like to call it when I married. It is almost like banana pudding I love the hell out of it, but it gives me heartburn from hell. I feel like I have been swimming in stomach acid ever sense. I picture this in my head and my face is half melting off... I know that it is not as bad as some cases might be. I am glad that I chose to stop it before my face totally fell off. I know that in my own mind as soon as things began to change I tried to find ways to make it work. But when someone only wants to do what they want to do and forget that there is more than one person in the relationship its hard to fix things. I have to move on. It is the best thing to do. I will be happy. This is just a short update blog is all. All smeared into one. I passed the first part of training and on the second half. I feel really good about it.

Today I forget.

So...New blog for me I have cleared my path of all things that are in my way. It is really an awesome thing that is coming about for me. I am glad at my decsion to move on from all things that were holding me back. It took me a long time to come to this place. I have had a lot of life lessons learned on my way here. Sad that it took 28 years to find a happy place for myself. But I found it.

I am about to have and Ex-husband, this does not make me happy. I however, do love him with every inch of my heart. But sometimes your heart beats different with different kinds of love. I have no doubt that he loves me. He just has some things he needs to take care of. It is sad that I have come to this choice and yes, I am not always right in the things that have happened in our marriage. I have been tested and tried on all levels. Not his fault that I have a faulty personality. Truth and honesty on both sides is questionable as well as faithfulness. Truly a sad case and a sad day.  I do love you Ex-husband and I always will.

I have a deep desire to love those that want my love. I tend to love them back. This is not such a good thing for me. I tend to love them too much.  They know it. So when I hurt them I just dont hurt them. I move down the core of their spine and rip it right out. I dont do it on purpose. I really dont. Sometimes, when there are secrets it is because neither party cant handle the truth and sometimes the truth is different according to each party. I give up. I had to let go. I state my true feelings of what I know. They can think what they want. I never thought any friend I ever had was horrible. I might have said it to get a point across in my own anger and hurt. I might give up to easy and my trust these days in anyone is very slim to none.  I should not say anyone is horrible. I do not think hate is a very good word and I really have not met any one that I really hated. Only disliked...really really disliked.  I hope that when hurt feelings are overcome that realistic views are finally taken. That life is good for them. After all I do still love them and always will. I dont stop loving just because I chose this way. All parties should extract some reality in their lives so they can live it to the fullest. It is sad the friendships end because no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. At the same time some things are never meant to be dealt with in public on all parties. Whether it was 3 years ago or 3 days ago. My horrible ways are always remembered especially now. It does hurt when someone says that you are a horrible person. Time does not take away and apologizes are sweet and are meaningful but words travel faster in thought than they do out of our own mouths. Sometimes certain memories are triggered by actions and reactions in people. All I can say is sometimes I am constantly reminded how horrible I am. Yes, I have grown so much sense that day but it does not take away that I still know those things about myself. Yes, I am dwelling on a past issue. Today, is the day I let it all go. I have too. I have reminded myself everyday for months now that I am not that horrible person. Though my method on how to rid myself is questionable but realistic in thought.

I move on. It hurts really bad in the deep on the night and sometimes I wake up with little tears in my eyes. I am not saying that this is easy with anything that I am doing here. I am not saying that I am right either. But I can say that this choice is right for me at this time and place. Forgive and forget and forget...I love them all and I really really do love them. Someday, someday.

So I move on. I got a new job that I am really liking. I am looking for a place to live tomorrow, well Saturday. Got to work that job tomorrow!! From this day on I am only going to look for the positive things in life. Not to say that I am not going to have a bad day. But I am up and about looking for new faces and places to be but by myself in corner questioning everyone and everything! I have to remind myself that I am not that horrible person anymore and that there is nothing around for me to think that I am anymore.  I have issues and I am going to therapy for it. At least sometimes next week. I might even get some on my health insurance.

So if someone thinks that I think that they are horrible. They are sadly mistaken. I just know a different part. That is all. I am not going to call someone horrible when I remember like yesterday what it is  LIKE to be called horrible.


So I move on. Here I go!