Stronger for Anthony

"Stronger"(originally by Kanye West)[Chorus:]N- n- now th- that don't kill meCan only make me strongerI need you to hurry up now'cause I can't wait much longerI know I got to be right now'cause I can't get much wrongerMan I've been waitin' all night nowThat's how long I've been on youI need you right nowI need you right nowLet's get lost tonightYou could be my black Kate Moss tonightPlay secretary, I'm a boss tonightAnd you don't give a damn what they all say right?Awesome, the Christian and Christian DiorAnd they don't make 'em like this anymoreI ask 'cause I'm not sureAnybody out there real anymore?Bow in the presence of greatness'cause right now thou has forsaken usYou should be honored by my latenessThat I would even show up to this fakenessSo go ahead go nuts go ape bitchEspecially in my pastel on my bapenessAct like you can't tell who made thisNew gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters[Chorus]I need you right nowI need you right nowI don't know if you got a man or not,If you made plans or notGod put me in the plans or notI'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lotBut I know that God put you in front of meSo how the hell could you front on me?There's a thousand you's, there's only one of meI'm trippin', I'm caught up in the moment right?This is Louis Vuitton Don nightSo we gonna do everything that Jared likeHeard they'd do anything for a KlondikeWell I'd do anything for a blonde-dikeAnd we'll do anything for the limelightAnd we'll do anything when the time's rightBaby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)[Chorus]I need you right now [x4]Don't act like I never told you [x8]

Truth

So I guess I am confused about love again. I am not trying to be. I have been questioned on my honesty in my relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a cheater. They also know that I am picky when it comes to choosing someone I want to be with. I have to have a really strong attraction to someone. I have never fought for someone to see how honest I am, like I have lately. It really pisses me off that people have to fuck up each other like they do. They just screw it up for the people who try to do right by others. I don’t know why one who knows that a person cares for them has to question whether or not they are faithful. Why do they have to allow others to question whether or not they are faithful? Why do I even allow it, because I am. I have really nothing to hide. I am simply allowing from day one everything to be seen or heard and even asked. I have left myself an open book to this person. I want them to know what they want to know. I know something’s are not easy knowing about someone. But does someone’s past have to change who they are now? I don’t seem to think so. Something’s are just not meant to be known by other people I am sure. But if they want to know then know it. I am the same person today as I was yesterday.

  I can only tell you that I see him as so beautiful as a person. I don’t know how to tell him enough that I care about him so much. In fact, I more than care about him. I have not told him. I think he would question it if I did tell him. I try to show him. Sometimes I am not so successful.  I want to be with him. He seems to think that it’s all about me being with him like a status, I think. If he told me he wanted to just be my friend, I would obey. (I think that it is because I keep telling him I want to be with him.) But my heart would be in pieces. I think I would honestly be more heart broken over him than any other relationship. I have some kind of connection to him. We share something so very deep. I don’t know how to tell you what it is. It hurts that his doubt is standing in the way of how he feels and I know he feels because of he hurt he wraps himself in. For some reason he thinks he is not good enough. Really? That never crossed my mind. I know that my feelings are very strong and I don’t waver in the thought to not want him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But he does not believe me. He won’t let himself. I can only help him understand that he hurts me when he acts that way. I want to help him to be better. I don’t want him to hurt. I don’t want to feel that kind of hurt that radiates from him. It’s crazy how I can feel it. I can’t explain that part either. I don’t know what hurts more knowing that he has doubt or knowing he won’t allow himself to feel that love that I have for him.

 I know I am going to hear all the bullshit. “Oh, it’s too early to feel that way.” Or “you don’t really know him do you?” so fucking what. Last I checked no one else was in this relationship but him and me. We control what goes on with the two of us and no one else. I control myself and he controls himself. So I say that and knowing that he has total control of himself. So why can’t he control this crazy sensation that I can always find someone better. That he could picture me with someone else makes me so sick in my tummy. Why? Why would he do that to himself? I cannot Imagine the thought of another woman…I can’t do it. I am not going to try either.

With such a strong man and the difficult past that he says he has. His emotions are not made of steel. I never thought they were. I can only imagine that they are like raw meat and chopped up. I can’t fix it. I can only help mend it. Why would I want to help mend a man whom thinks I will leave him for some slut of a man? Because I don’t just fall for anyone. I don’t just care about anyone and I don’t choose people based on what they can do for me. I choose people on how I connect with them. I have a profound connection with this man. I don’t question why anymore either. I just know how I feel with him. How I feel away from him and that the thought of not having him kills me on the inside. I did not choose him because I was lonely or alone. Those are two very different meanings too. I chose him because I simply cannot control myself. For any emotion that contains him. Good or Bad. I have no control over myself when I am with him. I have simply lost. He has control.