So...New blog for me I have cleared my path of all things that are in my way. It is really an awesome thing that is coming about for me. I am glad at my decsion to move on from all things that were holding me back. It took me a long time to come to this place. I have had a lot of life lessons learned on my way here. Sad that it took 28 years to find a happy place for myself. But I found it.
I am about to have and Ex-husband, this does not make me happy. I however, do love him with every inch of my heart. But sometimes your heart beats different with different kinds of love. I have no doubt that he loves me. He just has some things he needs to take care of. It is sad that I have come to this choice and yes, I am not always right in the things that have happened in our marriage. I have been tested and tried on all levels. Not his fault that I have a faulty personality. Truth and honesty on both sides is questionable as well as faithfulness. Truly a sad case and a sad day. I do love you Ex-husband and I always will.
I have a deep desire to love those that want my love. I tend to love them back. This is not such a good thing for me. I tend to love them too much. They know it. So when I hurt them I just dont hurt them. I move down the core of their spine and rip it right out. I dont do it on purpose. I really dont. Sometimes, when there are secrets it is because neither party cant handle the truth and sometimes the truth is different according to each party. I give up. I had to let go. I state my true feelings of what I know. They can think what they want. I never thought any friend I ever had was horrible. I might have said it to get a point across in my own anger and hurt. I might give up to easy and my trust these days in anyone is very slim to none. I should not say anyone is horrible. I do not think hate is a very good word and I really have not met any one that I really hated. Only disliked...really really disliked. I hope that when hurt feelings are overcome that realistic views are finally taken. That life is good for them. After all I do still love them and always will. I dont stop loving just because I chose this way. All parties should extract some reality in their lives so they can live it to the fullest. It is sad the friendships end because no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. At the same time some things are never meant to be dealt with in public on all parties. Whether it was 3 years ago or 3 days ago. My horrible ways are always remembered especially now. It does hurt when someone says that you are a horrible person. Time does not take away and apologizes are sweet and are meaningful but words travel faster in thought than they do out of our own mouths. Sometimes certain memories are triggered by actions and reactions in people. All I can say is sometimes I am constantly reminded how horrible I am. Yes, I have grown so much sense that day but it does not take away that I still know those things about myself. Yes, I am dwelling on a past issue. Today, is the day I let it all go. I have too. I have reminded myself everyday for months now that I am not that horrible person. Though my method on how to rid myself is questionable but realistic in thought.
I move on. It hurts really bad in the deep on the night and sometimes I wake up with little tears in my eyes. I am not saying that this is easy with anything that I am doing here. I am not saying that I am right either. But I can say that this choice is right for me at this time and place. Forgive and forget and forget...I love them all and I really really do love them. Someday, someday.
So I move on. I got a new job that I am really liking. I am looking for a place to live tomorrow, well Saturday. Got to work that job tomorrow!! From this day on I am only going to look for the positive things in life. Not to say that I am not going to have a bad day. But I am up and about looking for new faces and places to be but by myself in corner questioning everyone and everything! I have to remind myself that I am not that horrible person anymore and that there is nothing around for me to think that I am anymore. I have issues and I am going to therapy for it. At least sometimes next week. I might even get some on my health insurance.
So if someone thinks that I think that they are horrible. They are sadly mistaken. I just know a different part. That is all. I am not going to call someone horrible when I remember like yesterday what it is LIKE to be called horrible.
So I move on. Here I go!
