Does a broken heart still beat?

It is hard writing a post you really cant talk about. But I can write about how I feel. I feel like total and utter crap. My brain is bogged down so much with everything. Did I really start this I ask myself? Or did I really just have enough of not getting to feel the love that I needed to feel. As I held my neice this afternoon I cried because I knew that if he was still here she would never be with me here in my home. I knew that the things that happened this weekend would never have happened. It is so strnage how one person kept away so many people in my life that I really needed. Tears roll down my face now as I type. Nothing much I can say as to why yet. I do know that at one time I did love him so much that I would have followed him into the dark. But now I wont go near him in light. They do say that your darkest hours happen in the light. Dead on the inside breathing for pure health reasons. I feel dead. I should be, as many pieces as my heart is broken into it cant really beat anymore. Does a broken heart still beat?

Okay so I know I wrote a blog earlier but something just needs to get off my chest. I have been trying to be the bigger person and have tried to ignor this one thing for a really long time. I keep telling myself that things will work out and work out the right way given time. However, every time I see on my sister-in-laws page about how proud my dad and step mom are of everything that my brother and wife have done it really hurts. I am not taking it out on them they have done really good for themselves despite what they have been through. Proud of my brother right now myself. My dad does not FB but my step mom does. She is refusing to be my friend. She will email me only what she has to tell me and that is it. I have tried really hard. I have even admitted that somethings that went on was my fault because I was led astray and lied too.  That did not help any. My dad I texted him my new number and he wont even respond to me. I dont get it. At what point is enough, enough. At what point do I get to say to them "Get the fuck over it!" when will that be? I am gettting so frustrated.

So in the last week I have had some really good ups and some really good downs.  I have to say the really good up for me this week was finding out that I get money from my school and that it is large sum. I can now get a car. Cheap car but a car in the least. That was some really good news. Now I passed my test at Sprint this week and I have one more to take I feel really good about it. Even though Friday was a pretty bad day for me.

As some of you know I was supposed to move this weekend. I chose not too. Not becuase I want to stay with the husband but because he is leaving just like I thought he would. I have been fighting him for a week to help me clean up some of the bigger messes in the house. Not that we are pigs just starting working and all hard to find a happy medium for myself and getting everything done. Anyways he is going on the road to truck driving school. So I have signed him off the lease and fianlly got him to do some things around the house.  A lot more has to be done. I am just going to have to do it myself and take the whole weekend to to do it and make sure that it is up to par again. Not that its like really bad just laundry all over and stuff now got the kitchen and the bathroom cleaned so I am not to really worried about how much more I have to do.  So come hell or high water I better be in this apartment by myself and it better be on the 22nd...

One thing that happened this week is I had an old classmate delete me from her facebook. I dont say much to her because she is always saying how wonderful her life is and how great her kid is and how wonderful everything really is for her. At times it even feels like she is rubbing it all in your face.  But then again what else is FB for? Well, in the last week I have been really down and one day everyone on FB was saying how they question their friends or how they question their family etc etcn So I said something along the lines of how if you question they are questioning you too which is true. Well, she blasted me on FB. I did not know it was me however, I commented on it and said something along the lines that I deleted a lot of people this week because of it. So she posted that she was deleting me and after deleting and blocking me she continued the converstaion about me. The only reason that I know this because I have alerts on my phone and every single time somethng was said I got an alert. This went on for about an hour until the phone caught up with the delete and block. I was just kind of like dumb founded. How immature could she be? She could have emailed me and said this is about you. I am going to delete you. It would have been no big deal. But the immature actions that she displayed might have made her look cute and funny, but in the long run she is going to be the one that will be sorry when people start to see how she really treats people.

But one thing that still really hurts though I have come to terms with the fact that this one, just this one person is just too immature to handle my husband. I thought she was a friend. I really did but everytime she has a chance to see me. She skips. She says that it is because she is just so stressed that she cant handle all of it. Well, hell is she the only one stressed out? I see several of us stopping in our stressfull lives to help or talk about what it is that she may need help with. I just feel that she is not really being a good friend. That she is being selfish and yes we all are at times with our time and our complaining and whatever else some more than others, me being guilty in this just as well if not more than most of my friends. But I find that the lack of friendship makes me feel even more upset. I am just supposed to trust but how can I when I am turned over because company is intolerable? And if it is because of me and I complain to much or bitch whatever you want to say...however dont you do the same? Is there not times I just want to  avoid your personal converstaion bubble because you are bringing me down so bad? Yes! Yes! Several times but I dont leave the room and I dont complain about it. Now I might vent to a friend about it later but I will still come see you and I will still make sure that if you called me in the middle of the night needing me, that my time is made for you. I am not so sure that you will do the same?

So my week other than making a new friend that...well not a friend I guess. Moving on from that one. I hope this helps clear the air with somethings and I hope that I am not so grumpy. Do me a favor and dont try and guess who people are like some of you try to do. This blog is not about doing the gossip. If you are using it for gossip I will know soon enough. So the extra emails I get of "who are you talking about?" and "is this so and so?" I am not going to tell you. Get over that part as well. Well thank you to all those that enjoy my blogs remember you can always join as a follower and not have to write a blog!!! Thank you again.

Banana Pudding...

It has been a long time. I am glad to see that you are all here still. My goal with this new blog was to talk about some really good things that are going on in my life. I have has some really good days and some really nightmare type of days. I try not to write when I know that I will be down. I was ready to write until I unblocked someone on FB. I then got a swarm of emails about how bad of a person I was and how horrible a mother I will be if I ever can find a man that wants to give me a child. This is from my ex husbands family. (considered family?) That just adds to the whole idea that I now know that my ex husbands dad was the one telling everyone the reason we were getting a divorce was because I am a swinger and did not want to just be with my husband the rest of my life. Some father in law...But then again he still trys to beat his kids in their mid 20's. Guess you do what you know you can get away with. Especially in his case. But then again how is his son much different from him? He leaves me stranded at work half past midnight and then says that it is my fault because I dont have a phone. (I do now) Good thing my brother was around to take me home. That is one good thing about all of this is that we have been working on our relationship. It makes things better for me. Because where I was led astray I have taken back control of.  I am half way to where I want to be. I still need a few things to be on my own again. In which I have not been in years. I know it sounds like I should be counting decades. I am still young but I know that what I need right now i,s in fact, me time. I need to get back to where I wanted to be. I was in a spot of "softness" I like to call it when I married. It is almost like banana pudding I love the hell out of it, but it gives me heartburn from hell. I feel like I have been swimming in stomach acid ever sense. I picture this in my head and my face is half melting off... I know that it is not as bad as some cases might be. I am glad that I chose to stop it before my face totally fell off. I know that in my own mind as soon as things began to change I tried to find ways to make it work. But when someone only wants to do what they want to do and forget that there is more than one person in the relationship its hard to fix things. I have to move on. It is the best thing to do. I will be happy. This is just a short update blog is all. All smeared into one. I passed the first part of training and on the second half. I feel really good about it.