Someone to follow me into the Dark

I guess that you could say that I am having a hard time. I got what I wanted and that was to be alone. But then being alone was much better than being stuck with someone that you still felt like you were alone with.  Perhaps I belived Disney when he altered his fairy tales to always have a happy ending. Or perhaps just the idea that there might be someone out there that could make me just tremble all over by just the thought of them. It breaks my heart even more knowing that I have never felt that. I know people say, "oh, my husband doesnt make me feel like that everyday!"  Your always laughing at me. But what happens when he has to go away? What happens when you are alone. Who is there to hold you? Have you taken advantage of him? Taken the advantage that he will always be there? This can go vice versa for those "men" who read my blogs. Do we take avantage of out lovers and act like they will always be there? Those of us that sleep or slept next to a warm body that did not know how to love is even left wth the feeling that they should have snuggled a little closer when they had the chance. What I would give just for a warm touch right now. No, not sex, just the presence of someone who actually wants me to sit next to them, hold my hand, kiss me and let me know that they are not going to let me fade away. Knowing that they will follow me into the dark. Is that really so much to ask?

Knowing I would not follow my own former husband into the dark becuase he could not promise me that he would do the same. I walked away. Is there not someone who would challenge me? I know I could do it. The only proof I need is that you love me. That even if you dont make me tremble to my toes everyday that it wouldnt take much to make me. Someone to love me. Someone to follow me into the dark.

If I knew you loved me.

Sometimes I think late at night that I could forgive you for everything. If only I knew that you loved me. I could come to think that you would be accepted no matter what you did, if you could prove that you did in fact love me. I would even say that if you were on your knees begging me that all would be forgotten on what you have said and done to others. But you wont. You dont love me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever did? I was alone still married to you because you would not think of anyone but yourself and of course your grandparents. Yes, they are good people but at some point shouldnt I matter too? No, because I dont matter. If I were on the edge of the cliff and you had to jump over fire to save me, I know I would die. Sad hard truth. Truth hurts though. The truth that everything about you and I ended up a lie. Everything changed all the long conversations that of who we are and how we wanted life to be. It was a lie between eachother. You never understood anything. Because you never thought about anyone but yourself. So did you love me?

I was never meant to be the druggie.

Today I told my sister-in-law that I would not be a good druggie. Tonight, I realized it even more when I tried to unlock my car with my house key. I was like "what the hell and I doing?" I still went to the gas station to get a drink. I made it home ok. Seem to be in one piece but I also see that I tried to call m ex. Why would I do that? This pain killer stuff is kicking my ass and the thing is that I am taking them before work. No wonder people are looking at me so weird. The thing is my stats are getting better. So something somewhere is working out for me by taking the pills. I am in less pain. I really had no idea what kind of pain that I was in until I was pain free. Pretty fucked up.
 Which brings me to my mani pedi that I got Monday night. I went because I really wanted to feel better about myself. I was feeling really down and just needed something done for me. After I spent 80 bucks getting this all done I noticd crawling into bed that my big toe was sore. No biggie probley just stubbed it on something. Today went fine until I noticed that my toe was freaking hurting when walking. So I looked down and saw a huge puss bubble that was getting bigger and bigger. Well, damn I have an infection. From my pedi!!! SO, I take off work because I am worried that it could get worse because my whole toe is red and swollen. I go back to the place and tell them that I want my money back for all services that I got. The lady said that the owner was not around and that she was the manager and so I asked when the owner would be in. She then said that she was the owner. So which is she? She would only give me my money back for the pedi. Ok fair enough, but I want the owners name and number. She just gave me her name and the store number. I dont think that she is the owner and I am sure the BBB and the Health Department will figure it out. It just pisses me off.  I have been going to the same place since my grandma took me when I was 16. I am going to be 29 this year. That is a long time and a really bad way to treat a customer that has been using your services for so long.
But the reason I told you this story is because I was on pain pills when I got all this done on Monday. Could she have cut me and I not have known it? I wonder if my impairment caused me my own pain today? Or did they really just not clean their shit?
The impairment has explained some of the very strange things I have caught myself doing. It makes me wonder what other crazy shit I am doing in public?  I am sure that someone will tell me. It is really kind of scary. It is already bad enough that I play in left field on my "drugs" as I call them I think I might have made it into the parking lot trying to catch a ball thats not going to make it that far. Yea, maybe I should ask for something different but then I have already been perscribed so much that I am afraid too. Because now I am on Loritab, a ridiculous dose of Naproxen and Flexeril. This is crazy shit. Too much for me I think. I am not meant to be a druggie for sure.

So I played in left field before I got here...

I am just sitting here. Thinking. Thinking is bad for me. I want to do so many things with next to no motivation what so ever. Sucks really. It takes a lot for me to get up and going everyday and it takes a lot for me to lay down at night. Not much of this makes a lick of sense to me. Laura told me that I need to tell myself that everyday will be good. I used to do that when I could not escape the taunting of my ex. Something has changed now that I am free. I am alone like I requested. But I did not realize that I would be alone. I like my space. I do I wont lie. Sometimes I just should not be alone to all the "thinking" that I do.  I have things to do. Like picking up the house. It would take me 30 mins at the most to do everything that needs to be done. But I dont do it. I just dream about being somewhere else. I want to be somewhere else. I want my friends to come spend hours with me on my days off, but they wont. If they do come its only for a few hours at most or for what needs to be done. I have friends yes, I am not going to say that they are not like sisters to me but deep inside me I still look for a companionship that I still dont have. Not that they are not good for me I know what they are thinking now. They are good to me and the sacrifice to be my friend with the crazy dull that rides around me. Sometimes I wonder if I make them go away with the crazy things that I say.

I stare at my computer and think of a better life with my writing posted on the best seller list. It could happen. If I could write it. I remember a time that the words would just spill out of me. They were just there. I was alone then, yearning something similar then as I am now. Strange that I am still looking for the samethings years later with all that I have been through. But here I am talking about it and how I have not accomplished doing so thus far in life. That kinda sucks for me. I am getting older, though I am told I dont look my age. Greatful for that but I feel so ancient. I feel like I have been through battle. Like, raging war. The swords clashing together, the blood flying through the air. War crys echoing as the people run and just crash together in a battle of blood.  Yea, did I just walk right out of that one? I dont know but I sure as hell feel like it.  My path consumes me and in it I might fight this battle hoping that something good will consume me for fighting against an invisible army. I think Ithings that are not right in the head, starting to realize that now. Knowing that everyone has evil in them, realizing that I have tapped mine scares me to wondering what could I really do and get away with it. My mind is really wicked. I need to do something to switch this path. No good will consume me if I win in this battle...if I get a chance too.

I am not saying that love made me wicked.  That would be really unfair. I walk away from my craft afraid that I might mislead my people. So I just assign them the basic things they need to know. I havent spoken of the demons that are surfing among us. So complicated when I am left to fight them on my own.  How do you tell someone something like that? I am sorry you have demons and I am going to kill them for you. Damn, you dont! People might think your crazy...well at least the ones that dont know who you are. The ones that do already know that you see them and you are there to fight. I will never be able to fully explain what I am and what I can do. Only that tapping the wicked path that I have has left me mentally strong but drained beyond what one can imagine. Only a few know what I am talking about and so I look really fucking crazy right now. So be it. I played in left field before I got here anyway.

Humpty Dumpty Ran out of Glue...

Life pretty much sucks for everyone right now. In some way or another someone is worried about something. Money, health, love, uncontrollable tourettes, whatever it may be, it sucks. My life sucks. I wont lie. I am in the middle of a divorce, I am on a workers comp case because I fell at work and hurt myself. I really dislike my job at times, I worry about having enough money to pay my bills, I worry about having enough time and I worry about how I am going to clean my house. One because I cant carry anything over 10 pounds, thank you workers comp :(, and two I have not motivation to do shit. I get up, take a shower, sometimes I will eat, listen to music to at least start blood pumping in my cold dead heart, and stare at a blank page in an attempt to write something. I then realize that I have to leave home at, at least 12:30 to ensure I have a seat next to my Superviser and RMT. I work, I sometimes eat lunch. I watch people and try to find  a place to hide in the Sprint compound. I never do find a place to hide and I end up back in the call floor watching CNN and trying to text people who answer back. As you can see my life is lame and I havent even described what I do when I get off of work. I dont think I am going to. I think I spend most of my time thinking about how I could have changed things around. Then I look at the fact that I did not control everyone in the situation. Others had their own moves, their own words and their own ideas on how to fix, create, or solve a problem. Did it all work? No, in some cases it got worse.
So I have narrowed it down to a couple of things in my head because in my head it doesnt hurt as bad thinking about as it does realizing that it could actually hurt. I am alone. I crave the touch and affection of a man, but I can live without it? No, I really cant. But I must push people away, at least men anyway. I always want to be alone. My favorite kind of fun is in my head. There must be some kind of mental disorder for this or something. I fear I will end up alone. I mean look at this. I am going to be 29 no kids, no husband and two cats. I know, I know it takes time and people are all, what are you worried about your a sweet girl you will find someone. Ah, those people dont know about the heart I have to reactivate every morning when I get up. Those people, dont know me. They only think they know me. Which is why I push them away I guess. I am not looking for anything but someone to know me. I wont let them, again mental disorder of some kind I am sure.
Here I am babbling about how life sucks and how in the hours I spend my time thinking of ways to change the past, like it could be changed. I have really lost it im the time that passes. I just feel lost. Lost to everyone. My friends and family know me but the do not know me. The thoughts in my head are hazaedous to most people who can walk a straight line, and trust me I have never been able to do that either, sober. I am awake and alert and all I can do is write a blog that I think I am crazy and that life sucks for everyone. Then I also think I am only talking about how my life sucks. I forgot I was talking about other people too when I was on here. I dont know how to beat this. I cant keep asking for help from friends and family because I am a sorry ass. I just dont know what to do. I feel like just destorying my apartment my life and just crawling in a little room with a bed a sink and a toilet. Someone can feed me like a cat. It seems so much simpler knowing that I would just give it all up to have such simple plan of life. I dont destory anything. There is no one there to pick me up. I know people say that they are always there with me, for me. But sometimes the coffee is just not strong enough for the stranger minds to fix a situation that existed. I can only imagine what will come about from people when they read this blog. But let me tell you its text book, I am depressed. I know it. I have no idea how to deal or take care of it. So my world tumbles down and rebuilds everyday. Soon I will run out of glue. Then you wont be able to put humpty dumpty together again...

Black Heart Molds

You would think that at my age I would learn that being sneaky always ends up hurting me in the end. One would think that his little highschool girl syndrom would have in some way grown up in all that  I have been in. No, I was sneaky as hell and watched everything I already knew and expected rolled out in front of me while I sucked on my smoke and let the truth break away the last little pink pieces of my heart... I am not going to tell what I did exactly. I think I wont because I want to do it again! Tonight was a rare and interesting. It may or may not happen for me again. But I was put in this place for me to discover a few things and too see that my husband is sweet talking more than just one woman!! This one just makes him melt. I was sickened by the words said by him. Like he actually knew what love was or something? I was under the impression that he did not know how to love. He is still at it as we speak on here. People wonder why I am such a bitch? Its because every man that I have ever been with just gives up on me because they dont understand who I am.  I really didnt think I was hiding anything about myself. It is so frustrating knowing that he already even before we stopped talking had a woman that he was talking too. He never wanted to talk to me or love me. I was there for sex. Not to whisper sweet nothings too. Damnit fuck him. I am so frustrated on what he did not understand before we got married? He was the biggest mistake of my life. I settled for him and I know this now. Why? Hell if I know. He has left me even more twisted than one could imagine. Its going to take more than  a stranger to understand that I am different. Black Sheep would not describe me.  I am an outsider. The people who love me even dont understnad the depth of this distortion. I have a lot of secrets to tell. The quiet one is always the one they say to worry about. Well, I am let me see if you know what I am thinking? Do you think that you know what is going on in my head? Right, who is giong to take the time to learn? Total silence. You would rather guess and make up what you think I am than try and discover it. So my deep secrets go deeper and my back heart molds. How you going to fix that?

The Words Above My Head.

Today, my voice speaks a little softer than it has before. I sit here wondering when my time will come that my writers block can sit and just poor out the stories that run around my head. Truth is, I hate love stories. I hate them to the very core and meaning that they are. But the love that I can only imagine in my head prosper such stories to be placed on paper. I am such a sucker when it comes to love. To know that someone loves me, makes me weak in the knees. But that is only in my head. I married a man whom gave the identity of love but did not know how to cast it upon me or did not want to. So when I yearn for such things its a loss a what that could ever be. I was a differnt kind of love a differnt type of love. I wont forget it at any moment but I will just due to the fact that I am a sucker for love. I will take love over anything. I thought that I wanted money once. Then I found out when I had a little it ruined a simple thought that some people were honest. Its really not their fault. I would rather love them then loan them money anyway. Perhaps I am strange that I dream of such a thing. All the time for so long that sometimes I think I could miss it, just because I think it comes in only few forms.

The last time I saw my husband he even knew that we were over. The last touch a half a hug, and tears he did not understand that would flood my sunglass. When he left I was left totally alone for the first time in all of this. Not that I was not alone already but that the hope he would understand how to fix things, to make them right with me. Knowing that he wouldnt come back again and that our friendship would be less than talking terms made me lieterally boo hoo in my living room. I had never cried like that before in my life. When I thought I was done I walked only a few feet more to my bed just to barely sit on the edge to cry some more.  Even now remembering that emotion, makes me cry like I really dont know how to explain. I can see him being so stong in this and I know that I have broken him into a thousand pieces and he has kept himself together better than I can. Even he has said "I just dont know how to love you." I really didnt think that I had made loving me that complicated. But I guess that I did. I never will be ever to tell him that my heart broke everytime he walked away like it was nothing. I always hoped he would come back understanding that what happened was more than just him but that he loved me enough to understand that somethings I can not just leave out of my life. I dont love just him. I have a family and friends that I love just as much. Maybe I did not love him enough to walk away from that. But I have never seen why I should.

So I am back to stage one again. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what it is that I need to fix to make me feel better about myself again? I know there are so many things that would just work better if I worked better with it. I still have writers block, and I still dont sleep at night. Nothing has changed there.  Its not helping me seek for love. It is a love that I have tossed away like it is trash. I cant help but wonder who and what I stopped writing for. It was my frist love as it is. I am in over my head with a lot of words just barely slipping through the tips of my fingers. How many more days until I find this identity that I have lost? I will become better, if I could only reach my first love again. Just to write the love stories that I have stomping around in my brain. That I hate so much.

The words are all over my head. Even the most simple words meaning is just dancing along flirting with my great big brick wall, that blocks it from dating my finger tips and becoming something more than just a thought. So everyday I come home. I meditate, I dream and I wait in front of a black page on my computer and every night around 2 or 3 I close the day with an empty page.  It really is sad that I keep my words so locked up like I do. I sometimes wonder if they chose to stay there and fuck with me until I fall alsleep and peek out in my dreams. Damn little fuckers.

Perhaps, I do not live in reality but in a world that I have simply made up for myself. Its a thought that has not lept great bounds with me. I know I live in another world. (I am the weird one) I just wait for a better word to appear and try to put it on the blank page. So far I dont know what that word is? The word are all above me. I am reaching, reeeeeaaccchhhinnnggg.....ugh, love is the only word that comes to me. Its the only thing in my life that I need more than my own thoughts, which are in fact full of thoughts about love. What I would give to meet someone that was reaching for the same word.