I guess that sometimes life just does not make sense. In the last few months I can say that evey little drop of reality that I have tasted has been as unreal as it is real. I have asked myself lots of questions in the last few days that have left me wondering what kind of person I am. I should not dwell on my past. I should not think about my past except in cases not to repeat it. I have done a lot of people wrong. Again I am the first to admit that I might have screwed you over at some point and time. At one time I was really good at it. I am not that same person now. I try, to be the better person in the wrongs that happen. Sometimes being the better person is not letting people walk all over you. Sometimes being the better person is just not letting the things from the past walk right back in. I am not allowing that time to walk back into my life. No matter how much people try to bring it back up. I have lost that time. I have bound it up in my Book of Shadows even. That part of my life is closed. I had no problem clsoing it, I still have no problem clsoing it again if I have too. Perhaps the fact that I had what I would once call, a good friend of mine walk out of my life. It seems as though she cannot lock up that world to her. There are many reasons why I can see it to be so hard. However, in so many ways she has had the chance to place her foot on the ass and shove it out the damn door. But she keeps opening up to the those doors that have big fucking "open me" signs. I have to let her go if she wants to dwell in the past of that, big pile of elephant crap, so I move on. I am done crying over her. I am just done. In a way I feel relieved that I have made this choice. Sad day indeed.
As for talking about people I love. I am not loved. At least not in the way I want to be loved. I am looking and seeking for the same things even though I was married. Soon to not be married. I even try to encourage him to do better and that he can do anything and I find out that all he wants me to do is to stop calling him. How pissy is that. He is walking away like it never happened. Does that mean he never loved me? Does that mean he married me because...? I married him because at one time I loved him. Looks like that was not his intention at all. So if I cry I cry because I am still seeking what I can not find. What a sad day indeed.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
SO see you in Hell...
This one I am not sure where to start. I am not sure because I just got dumped by a long time friend because she chose God. I have no problem with God or any Gods that may come about. I am no God I dont plan to stand in his or her way at any point and time nor be in any kind of competion with him. (spelling) I do not believe the way most people do. I dont rub it in their face either. If they ask, I then tell. I dont force it on anybody. I also dont know of any belief that would tell someone that they need to dump all the people that care about them and just go with God. Inless it is some kind of cult. I have seen it then.
The person in question at this time has in fact been in question for some time now. I must say about the last month or so. They havent been answering phone calls. Even if it is just for me to chat them up they dont answer. Frustrating really. I want my friends around. ((they were giving me rides to work and we had a little fall out due to my husband and his wild mouth, we got together and I thought had made amends on the subject, I did continue to take rides with someone else until I had to ask my friend again due to the fact that they were always busy and it seemed to be out of their way sometimes. I even before this last time asked other people and asked on FB so that I would try to find someone before I asked her because I did not want her to go out of her way. But this time she offered to help. Out in plain sight on FB. I took her on the offer)) I did not just want them around to get a ride and I do know that when my husband was here it was hard to be around everything that was going on. So I stood back for a while and let ALL my friends come around as they chose too because of the discomfort of the situation with my husband. So I did not call all the time. Sometimes you just need the girls around to have fun and chill out. Nope never answered the phone. I missed my friend. I was kinda glad that she offered to help me out agian and give me a ride too and from work because I would be able to spend time with her.
Turns out that she had been spending a lot of time with another friend. Thats great everyone is allowed to have other friends besides me! I just wanted to know that I didnt fuck up and do and say something wrong. I even left that message on her answering machine. She did call back and said that they were jsut busy and they went out of town to see her sister. Well, that is cool. Well in the change of events I had an accident at work. So that made me a little cripple. Her husband would check my mail for me and even changed the cat box. He has always done nice things like that for me and I am always greatful. Never know how to repay him for those things but to say thank you. They even took me to Wally World on Sunday so I could get a few things. I was greatful for that as well. Due to my injury I have had some weird days at work and did not need to come and get me becasue I went to the ER doctor or something that might have come up. They came over to chat and check my mail where I explained to her how my new schedule would be and that it would only be for a little while. Because I was expecting a school check and I did not want her to think that I only wanted her around for a ride. ( I know this is long but it is going somewhere) Well this morning I was ready for work and 1130 rolls around and she calls me "was I supposed to take you to work today." and I responded "yes, I told you last night I needed a ride to work today." and she responded "Ok, I will be there in just a few." Well, it was just a few and as I was closing the door she wanted her husbands shoes that he had left in my apartment the night before. I was like ok hurry because it was already 45 after and I had to be to work at 12. I was in fact 5 mins late for work. This looked really bad on me because of all the workers comp time I had lost so far that had not been given back yet. I was ok they did not count me off. The day went off pretty well and I got a text from my friend saying that they may be a little late but they would be there to pick me up and not to worry. Totally understandable they have a life outside of taking me to work. Then at 945 I was like well this is a lot late but I can see it happening. After an hour and a half of waiting I get a ride from my cousin and make arrangements for her to take me to work for a while. I called my friend when I got home and left her a message on the VM that I had been getting for the last two hours. Ok well I told her that I had made arragements with someone else and for her to call and tell me what was up. I went on with my normal routine.
Got on FB and there is a message from this friend of mine. In some shorter words she chose God over me and that this would be Goodbye and that she hopes to see me in Heaven. Oh, and please dont text and call me. What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?? Did I do something to stand in the way of your God? Did I do something to stab you in the back? What did I do? Do I have some kind of God complex I dont know about? Did I ask for too much from you? Did you feel like I was taking advatage of you? If you did then shouldnt you have talked to me about it? After all this time of calling me "sister" and you turn your back on me and you cant even TELL ME TO MY FACE. THAT YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME OR BE MY FRIEND ANY MORE? DID YOUR GOD TELL YOU TO DO THAT? The message that was sent to me makes me wonder if she did some kind of suicide pack or joined a cult. She could even have called me as said that she just didnt feel right with being my friend. I would understand there have been times that I question all my friends and what is going down with them. Looks like I was questioning the wrong people. I should have been questioning them. I feel like my view and thoughts that I have entrusted with this person is no longer safe. I feel like my information is just out there for some hacker to come and take it out of her. I am so upset that she could not come to me and just tell me the truth. I have had her as a friend through some really rough times and I feel like I just got crapped on by and elephant. That is a lot of crap.
So I am saddened by a couple of things in this situation. One that my friend COULD NOT TELL ME TO MY FACE that she no longer wanted to be my friend. Two that she wanted to take back that she did not want to give me a ride to work instead of misleading me. I would have found another ride. She didnt even give me the rides anyway her husband did so, so much for SPENDING TIME WITH HER!! Three she made a choice tonight to leave me high and dry on a ride home. But not only that but that she knew she was leaving me without gettig a ride to work. WHich could have cost me my job. I got lucky and had someone willing to give me a ride to and from work for a few weeks. But if I did not have that family memeber I would no longer have this job I have workded so hard to keep. Four she knew that I would do whatever I could to help her if she would have just let me know as long as it was able for me to do. She expressed no need for me to help her in any way and in fact avoided me and the rest of her friends that wanted to see her as well.
So I am left with a lot of questions but the number one question and the only one that I want answered is WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND WHY COULD YOU NOT COME TO ME AND TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FELT? She has all the time in the world for open words that tell truth but she has no opened doors to her anymore. So when the world come tumbling down on her no one will be there to save her. In fact dont be surprised if people dont answer their phones or doors. What she did has cut a really deep hole in my heart. I hope she knows how deep she cut. But I dont wish harm only that she finds peace in her choice and that she is able to live with it. Goodbye my friend and just so you know I am most likely not going to heaven. SO see you in Hell...
The person in question at this time has in fact been in question for some time now. I must say about the last month or so. They havent been answering phone calls. Even if it is just for me to chat them up they dont answer. Frustrating really. I want my friends around. ((they were giving me rides to work and we had a little fall out due to my husband and his wild mouth, we got together and I thought had made amends on the subject, I did continue to take rides with someone else until I had to ask my friend again due to the fact that they were always busy and it seemed to be out of their way sometimes. I even before this last time asked other people and asked on FB so that I would try to find someone before I asked her because I did not want her to go out of her way. But this time she offered to help. Out in plain sight on FB. I took her on the offer)) I did not just want them around to get a ride and I do know that when my husband was here it was hard to be around everything that was going on. So I stood back for a while and let ALL my friends come around as they chose too because of the discomfort of the situation with my husband. So I did not call all the time. Sometimes you just need the girls around to have fun and chill out. Nope never answered the phone. I missed my friend. I was kinda glad that she offered to help me out agian and give me a ride too and from work because I would be able to spend time with her.
Turns out that she had been spending a lot of time with another friend. Thats great everyone is allowed to have other friends besides me! I just wanted to know that I didnt fuck up and do and say something wrong. I even left that message on her answering machine. She did call back and said that they were jsut busy and they went out of town to see her sister. Well, that is cool. Well in the change of events I had an accident at work. So that made me a little cripple. Her husband would check my mail for me and even changed the cat box. He has always done nice things like that for me and I am always greatful. Never know how to repay him for those things but to say thank you. They even took me to Wally World on Sunday so I could get a few things. I was greatful for that as well. Due to my injury I have had some weird days at work and did not need to come and get me becasue I went to the ER doctor or something that might have come up. They came over to chat and check my mail where I explained to her how my new schedule would be and that it would only be for a little while. Because I was expecting a school check and I did not want her to think that I only wanted her around for a ride. ( I know this is long but it is going somewhere) Well this morning I was ready for work and 1130 rolls around and she calls me "was I supposed to take you to work today." and I responded "yes, I told you last night I needed a ride to work today." and she responded "Ok, I will be there in just a few." Well, it was just a few and as I was closing the door she wanted her husbands shoes that he had left in my apartment the night before. I was like ok hurry because it was already 45 after and I had to be to work at 12. I was in fact 5 mins late for work. This looked really bad on me because of all the workers comp time I had lost so far that had not been given back yet. I was ok they did not count me off. The day went off pretty well and I got a text from my friend saying that they may be a little late but they would be there to pick me up and not to worry. Totally understandable they have a life outside of taking me to work. Then at 945 I was like well this is a lot late but I can see it happening. After an hour and a half of waiting I get a ride from my cousin and make arrangements for her to take me to work for a while. I called my friend when I got home and left her a message on the VM that I had been getting for the last two hours. Ok well I told her that I had made arragements with someone else and for her to call and tell me what was up. I went on with my normal routine.
Got on FB and there is a message from this friend of mine. In some shorter words she chose God over me and that this would be Goodbye and that she hopes to see me in Heaven. Oh, and please dont text and call me. What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?? Did I do something to stand in the way of your God? Did I do something to stab you in the back? What did I do? Do I have some kind of God complex I dont know about? Did I ask for too much from you? Did you feel like I was taking advatage of you? If you did then shouldnt you have talked to me about it? After all this time of calling me "sister" and you turn your back on me and you cant even TELL ME TO MY FACE. THAT YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME OR BE MY FRIEND ANY MORE? DID YOUR GOD TELL YOU TO DO THAT? The message that was sent to me makes me wonder if she did some kind of suicide pack or joined a cult. She could even have called me as said that she just didnt feel right with being my friend. I would understand there have been times that I question all my friends and what is going down with them. Looks like I was questioning the wrong people. I should have been questioning them. I feel like my view and thoughts that I have entrusted with this person is no longer safe. I feel like my information is just out there for some hacker to come and take it out of her. I am so upset that she could not come to me and just tell me the truth. I have had her as a friend through some really rough times and I feel like I just got crapped on by and elephant. That is a lot of crap.
So I am saddened by a couple of things in this situation. One that my friend COULD NOT TELL ME TO MY FACE that she no longer wanted to be my friend. Two that she wanted to take back that she did not want to give me a ride to work instead of misleading me. I would have found another ride. She didnt even give me the rides anyway her husband did so, so much for SPENDING TIME WITH HER!! Three she made a choice tonight to leave me high and dry on a ride home. But not only that but that she knew she was leaving me without gettig a ride to work. WHich could have cost me my job. I got lucky and had someone willing to give me a ride to and from work for a few weeks. But if I did not have that family memeber I would no longer have this job I have workded so hard to keep. Four she knew that I would do whatever I could to help her if she would have just let me know as long as it was able for me to do. She expressed no need for me to help her in any way and in fact avoided me and the rest of her friends that wanted to see her as well.
So I am left with a lot of questions but the number one question and the only one that I want answered is WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND WHY COULD YOU NOT COME TO ME AND TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FELT? She has all the time in the world for open words that tell truth but she has no opened doors to her anymore. So when the world come tumbling down on her no one will be there to save her. In fact dont be surprised if people dont answer their phones or doors. What she did has cut a really deep hole in my heart. I hope she knows how deep she cut. But I dont wish harm only that she finds peace in her choice and that she is able to live with it. Goodbye my friend and just so you know I am most likely not going to heaven. SO see you in Hell...
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