Hurt People
Part 1
Here now it has happened. It took a really deep sorrow to bring me back to “Hurt.” I never thought that I could feel this way again. But when hurt people hurt, they hurt people. It’s a cycle that elopes with misery and settles deep in the heart. I am never right about much but I do know that the heart hurts on things that words could not explain. I hurt people.
A tear, one little lonely tear is all it took for me to realize that my faults are letting me fuck up. Did I look in the mirror today and say “I am not that person; I am not this horrible painful being that strives on hurting other people!” Every day, I say it to myself and in one simple thoughtless act I can lose everything. It might be a simple passing thought to some people to hurt others and it not work on them the guilt that comes with it. It kills me knowing that I don’t have much to go on and the only real things that I have found in life are through the others in my life. Those are the people I hurt the most. And so I am stuck in a rut; the little caterpillars are just running and running in circles over and over again. How many people have I lost in the last year? How many people can one hurt and finally realize that it took just one person to say that you hurt them? It took one fucking person to bring me down to the tears I have never cried. What the fuck? What kind of power is that? It’s amazing really. Someone had the power to bring me down and put in my place. Really scary. But was the power in knowing that I hurt them or knowing that pain is just as physically seen as it is felt. I knew as soon as it happened I had fucked all kinds of up. No matter how what started out I had found myself in a long lost winding thought that carried all the way through to the end of the night where it was finally exposed. I hurt people.
So “Hurt” has been opened up again. Those of you that know; it’s a chapter that was once closed. But tonight, tonight someone gave me the power to work on it again. I don’t expect some people to understand. Some have read just little versions and have no idea that what they are feeling is hurt, a pain that suffers and burns at the veins in your heart as you read it. It’s a misery you might even understand. It’s reaching deep, deep into the pits of your stomach and just ripping the hell out of you. It’s really not even all my hurt but seeing the fire in someone’s eyes dim because of it, simply put, it sucks. I see more people suffer through the day just to support an idea that they can be happy. Even the smallest step to happiness fucks someone else’s world up. You know I am not lying either. There is always an idea of happiness and at times we have happy times in small cups and packets of sugar. I do believe that I live for those moments because I don’t have very many honest people to share that with. Happiness is a form of misery and misery elopes with hurt and pain. A constant battle a constant struggle to find a simple comfort in a smile, in a laugh, in a little happiness. Where do you go when you can’t escape yourself in fucking it up? When you are left to face yourself on your own because you hurt someone? I hurt someone and its really killing me on the inside.
But all I can say is, Wow. How did this person do the job that people have been trying to tell me for years? I don’t know. It scares me. It also scares me that, that person knew exactly the right words to say to bring me on my ass and make me feel just exactly what they were feeling? Fuck this ability that I have. I always find the right people to do the job. They did a good job. Its 4 am and I am writing this. I don’t write anymore. I don’t write for “Hurt” anymore either. Do I have to put this little essay in? Yes, yes I do, because I hurt people, but because I hurt that person. Somehow they have made a little imprint that most people don’t even get a chance to make. Most people let the very little emotion that is collapsed in their own life to what is of me. With everyone burning bridges around me and I still find reasons to stop the war and rebuild them. Then I slap the mule in the ass and send it over with the white flag only finding that I pissed the mule off too! Now I am left a carrying the damn thing across the bridge myself while I am bombarded with cannon fire and little drama queens that are climbing the sides of the bridge. Fuck this shit. I surrender. Deal without the flag. I already know I hurt them unknowingly. Mostly when I am hurting myself, and I am walking across the damn bridge. Fuck me. Come save my ass from this very painful ride. Please, meet me half way. Hurt people hurt other people and I guess in a way it was a favor to me. To finally feel what someone else was feeling. Fuck! I am stuck in the middle of the damn bridge and it’s tumbling to the ground. I said that I surrendered…right? Then what is happening now? Oh, geeze didn’t make it to the other side of the damn bridge and I did it again. I have issues and its starting to show as I start to pick the bricks up and stack them one by one on my own again. What do I got to do to stop this. Who builds bridges in a war anyway? I am guessing that this person does…~sigh~ I hurt people.
So when I say imprint. I simply mean that. Now I don’t mean the way they do in Twilight. Come on now ladies, vampires really don’t glow. But people do. Sometimes people are so incredibly bright and beautiful. They have no clue either. So when you tell them they are flattered but all the more confused. Beauty is not a woman or a man, just like sex is not always sexy, and love is not always as blissful as one might imagine it to be. So when I say that you are beautiful, I am not talking about your looks. I am talking about the desire to be who you are and how you burn to reach that higher knowledge of one self. So when you have imprinted on me what kind of wonderful person you are. How wonderful that you have treated me. How beautiful your soul really is. I see it. Do I deserve such beautiful companionship? At this moment I don’t know, but I crave you. Haven’t even known you the days or months to count on my fingers and toes. It is what it is. I am just as human as you are and I am attracted to beauty just as much as you are. I am also in a lot of trouble with these thoughts right now.
Damn this hurts.
“Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.”
~
Chasing Amy
