Lover of The Light

And in the middle of the night,
I may watch you go
There'll be no value in the strength of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown
You may not trust the promises of the change
I'll show
But I'll be yours if you'll be mine
So love the one you hold
And I will be your gold
To have and to hold 

By Mumford and Sons

Stronger for Anthony

"Stronger"(originally by Kanye West)[Chorus:]N- n- now th- that don't kill meCan only make me strongerI need you to hurry up now'cause I can't wait much longerI know I got to be right now'cause I can't get much wrongerMan I've been waitin' all night nowThat's how long I've been on youI need you right nowI need you right nowLet's get lost tonightYou could be my black Kate Moss tonightPlay secretary, I'm a boss tonightAnd you don't give a damn what they all say right?Awesome, the Christian and Christian DiorAnd they don't make 'em like this anymoreI ask 'cause I'm not sureAnybody out there real anymore?Bow in the presence of greatness'cause right now thou has forsaken usYou should be honored by my latenessThat I would even show up to this fakenessSo go ahead go nuts go ape bitchEspecially in my pastel on my bapenessAct like you can't tell who made thisNew gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters[Chorus]I need you right nowI need you right nowI don't know if you got a man or not,If you made plans or notGod put me in the plans or notI'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lotBut I know that God put you in front of meSo how the hell could you front on me?There's a thousand you's, there's only one of meI'm trippin', I'm caught up in the moment right?This is Louis Vuitton Don nightSo we gonna do everything that Jared likeHeard they'd do anything for a KlondikeWell I'd do anything for a blonde-dikeAnd we'll do anything for the limelightAnd we'll do anything when the time's rightBaby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)[Chorus]I need you right now [x4]Don't act like I never told you [x8]

Truth

So I guess I am confused about love again. I am not trying to be. I have been questioned on my honesty in my relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a cheater. They also know that I am picky when it comes to choosing someone I want to be with. I have to have a really strong attraction to someone. I have never fought for someone to see how honest I am, like I have lately. It really pisses me off that people have to fuck up each other like they do. They just screw it up for the people who try to do right by others. I don’t know why one who knows that a person cares for them has to question whether or not they are faithful. Why do they have to allow others to question whether or not they are faithful? Why do I even allow it, because I am. I have really nothing to hide. I am simply allowing from day one everything to be seen or heard and even asked. I have left myself an open book to this person. I want them to know what they want to know. I know something’s are not easy knowing about someone. But does someone’s past have to change who they are now? I don’t seem to think so. Something’s are just not meant to be known by other people I am sure. But if they want to know then know it. I am the same person today as I was yesterday.

  I can only tell you that I see him as so beautiful as a person. I don’t know how to tell him enough that I care about him so much. In fact, I more than care about him. I have not told him. I think he would question it if I did tell him. I try to show him. Sometimes I am not so successful.  I want to be with him. He seems to think that it’s all about me being with him like a status, I think. If he told me he wanted to just be my friend, I would obey. (I think that it is because I keep telling him I want to be with him.) But my heart would be in pieces. I think I would honestly be more heart broken over him than any other relationship. I have some kind of connection to him. We share something so very deep. I don’t know how to tell you what it is. It hurts that his doubt is standing in the way of how he feels and I know he feels because of he hurt he wraps himself in. For some reason he thinks he is not good enough. Really? That never crossed my mind. I know that my feelings are very strong and I don’t waver in the thought to not want him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But he does not believe me. He won’t let himself. I can only help him understand that he hurts me when he acts that way. I want to help him to be better. I don’t want him to hurt. I don’t want to feel that kind of hurt that radiates from him. It’s crazy how I can feel it. I can’t explain that part either. I don’t know what hurts more knowing that he has doubt or knowing he won’t allow himself to feel that love that I have for him.

 I know I am going to hear all the bullshit. “Oh, it’s too early to feel that way.” Or “you don’t really know him do you?” so fucking what. Last I checked no one else was in this relationship but him and me. We control what goes on with the two of us and no one else. I control myself and he controls himself. So I say that and knowing that he has total control of himself. So why can’t he control this crazy sensation that I can always find someone better. That he could picture me with someone else makes me so sick in my tummy. Why? Why would he do that to himself? I cannot Imagine the thought of another woman…I can’t do it. I am not going to try either.

With such a strong man and the difficult past that he says he has. His emotions are not made of steel. I never thought they were. I can only imagine that they are like raw meat and chopped up. I can’t fix it. I can only help mend it. Why would I want to help mend a man whom thinks I will leave him for some slut of a man? Because I don’t just fall for anyone. I don’t just care about anyone and I don’t choose people based on what they can do for me. I choose people on how I connect with them. I have a profound connection with this man. I don’t question why anymore either. I just know how I feel with him. How I feel away from him and that the thought of not having him kills me on the inside. I did not choose him because I was lonely or alone. Those are two very different meanings too. I chose him because I simply cannot control myself. For any emotion that contains him. Good or Bad. I have no control over myself when I am with him. I have simply lost. He has control. 

Some things to say. Some thoughts to hear.

There are some people that come into your life that is very profound for you. Sometimes even though you don’t know them you feel better with them than you ever did yourself.  It truly is a wonderful feeling.  You might almost let yourself forget that you are your own person and that your brain still works in the same process. I myself might have fallen a little too fast. Not by looks or desires to exceed expectations, But by the respect and the desire to appreciate me. What could I ever ask in a man other than the way I have been treated in the last few weeks? I only wish that I had found it sooner. I have to let things come as they come in this process. Especially someone willing to take the time to know who I am and I have always wanted someone to do that. There will be no rush for that. For I find I have the same desire to learn him. I cannot push.

I have also had a horrible reminder of who I was and who I am today. It brought my happiness to a low level today. I had to remember that we have other people in our lives other than ourselves to think about.  I have to let happen what happens. It is hard. Especially knowing how I feel now. I have a larger blog that I wrote the other morning in tears. I am sure that the emotions that were swimming have changed and my senses have fixed themselves. I am not going to lie to myself he could be running amuck right now. But I would like to think that he is as honest as he is presenting himself. Besides for the first time I don’t feel like that is going to happen again.  I have to keep being me. I don’t feel a need to change who I am and I don’t feel that I have to question if I should change. I can just be me. Sometimes that is really a good thing and sometimes a really bad thing.  I hope to never have the need to show any bad side but my good but the bitch does peak around the corner ever so often.  I can only hope that it does not scare off what is and what could be.  See…I have gotten myself wound up again. Just let things happen, Tabbatha.

I am going to attach it though to this piece so we can see how mixed up I am right now. Considering all the people that read this blog….lmao. I like that I can have the opportunity to have the input but not to have the care that people might actually care about what I have to say. But it makes it easier to do so.  But then maybe I should not attach such thoughts on how I feel like that. You get this much. Why place myself outside such a  escape and let you know what I really feel deep down. Oh, that’s right. No one reads my blog. SO…I guess if you read it and you really want to know, you have to ask for it. So it will remain private for me anyway. I guess that I can add it in the final chapters that hurt have wound up in the last couple of years. I am truly afraid to find out what people think of it. People seem to lash out when they think that they might think you are talking about them. In some cases, that might be true and in others no so much. I am glad that you can relate. But that action or emotion not always contains you or I. I am not ready to publish it I supposed. So much to say at this point and time. I know I write about my own hurt. That part is easy. It’s trying to understand someone else’s hurt and placing it into words. Is something else. I am the last person to try and understand why things happen. I always ask lots of questions and want to know what you are thinking. Sometimes I do it to the wrong people. Sometimes the right. Sometimes no one talks and I just have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell. I can only assume those thoughts and feelings. Not good stories to tell for the book but in any case they exist.  Someone has to tell them I guess.

I can’t keep pretending that I live in a fucking Disney story. Reality is…sigh~ we all know what reality is.  We all live it and it sucks a lot. We deal with it and all the pain that we make and the pain people present to us.  I sometimes wonder why people have to make things so hard. Why they let themselves be so miserable? I hate it. Then again I love it.  I think that I have found the happy medium.  Happiness as a form of slavery of sort…I love the idea of it though. If I have to be a slave to happiness then so be it. At least I am not in misery’s back yard right?  Hmmm… misery. She still peaks around corners. She likes to play games and try to turn things upside down.  So fuck her. Really? I can say that right? I am tired of her getting in my head and putting doubt in my brain. I am a sucker for doubt. Too bad for her that I am not playing her game this time around.  HEHE..She must be pissed. Oh well, let my thoughts wonder too long. Let be what will be.

"Love Is Not Enough"

Everyone falls in love. But everyone knows that love is not enough. There is always something that has to be an outstanding factor that keeps the two together. It cannot just be love. There is always money, social acceptance, independence, trust and some sort of ability to understand that someone might have a different idea than you. There is always some other factor that is involved in the relationship. There cannot always be the idea that the other person makes you a better person. That person has to stand up and do it themselves. You will have an impact on them but you can’t change them. I see this happen a lot in the relationships that I observe. Therefore, if you are trying to change your partner does that mean that love is enough for you? If you can’t accept someone for whom or what they are, then is love enough for you? When is enough…enough? Is it ever enough? So an example would be from one of my favorite movies as Samantha asked Jerry, “I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?” (The Mexican) Jerry answered “Never” to Samantha. Do you think that he finally realized that he had to get his act together and that just loving her was not enough? Do you think he said it because that is what she wanted to hear? I see that often as well. Just telling someone what they want to hear and go on to do whatever it is they want to do. There are other people in this world. The only person that you can really control is yourself. Being able to stick to your word is important. Being able to be an adult at some point is important as well.  I wonder sometimes about both parties as well.

 I am not writing this blog to point people out. One has to remember all the people that I see in a day’s time. I don’t know what to say other than some of us need to start using out heads. I know I am not perfect but sometimes…I just don’t get it. I know that factors in love are many. I can’t seem to keep it or find it myself. But then maybe I think too much about it. Maybe that is why I think that love is not enough.  I know it. Maybe its means that I don't give love a figting chance. Maybe it means that I have never actually fallen in love. Maybe, just maybe I am looking for something real and not some fairy tale. Love is not enough. That is all I got to say.

"Love Is Not Enough"

Nine Inch Nails

The more that we take

The paler we get

I can't remember what it is

We try to forget

The tile on the floor

So cold it can sting

In your eyes is a place

Worth remembering

For you to go and take this, to smash it apart

I've gone all this fucking way

To wind up back at

Back at the start

[Chorus:]

Hey, the closer we think we are

Well it only got us so far

Now you got anything left to show

No no I didn't think so

Hey, the sooner we realize

We cover ourselves with lies

But underneath we're not so tough

And love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark

Like the withering vein

We didn't give it a mouth

So it cannot complain

It never really had a chance

We'd never really make it through

I never think I'd believed

I believed I could get better with you

[Chorus]

TIme to Say Goodbye.

So I want everyone to know that reads this post, that I don’t hate anyone, I don’t wish harm against any of you either. I only wish the best for you and yours. I am also not just talking to one person here. So no one is special. I love all my friends and my family but sometimes it is really time to say goodbye, so long, farewell. I promise it does not mean that I hate you or dislike you. I have just outgrown you.  I am so tired of deleting my FB and Twitter because of dumb people. I am done with the drama, I know I have said it 100 times before but now…I am sorry if your feelings are hurt. Only you are hurting yourself. Because I do NOT hate you and I do not, not LOVE you. I am just moving on. I am sorry it just has to be done.  Again, you all rock. I only wish you the best.

Hurt Part 2

I just wanted to take a moment to say this was the harder part to write than the first. This one really just attacks a general idea of how people live, other than facing one person that has broken your heart. Its easy to tell someone how they hurt you. Mostly becuase you know its going to hurt them too. I tried looking at it from the outside an the inside. Feel free to help yourself to the comments.

Hurt Part 2

The world is looked at so many different ways and by so many different people. I have to say that I see the world through my eyes and in part what it makes me feel. I can change my world but in some cases it can only be changed by others working together to change it. I have battles that I work through everyday just like the next person. I also have seen battles that people fight on their own and have no right to take on such an epic adventure without the help of others. Sometimes people succeed and corrupt themselves in order to accomplish what was not meant to be obtained by one person.  Some people fail because they are broken, burned, jaded or just hurt by what they have seen. They give up. They don’t ask for help and they don’t care anymore about anything. Knock, knock the devil is at the doorstep and someone answered. You’re going to fail or you’re going to corrupt. It is a cycle that is continuing all over. There is always a war and there is always people fighting it. Wars are not fought by one person but many. So why take the challenge on by yourself?

I started out this way because I have asked for help on my battles. I have searched out many who could and have found none of certain trust. Not that I don’t trust anyone. Some people are so busy fighting their own personal war they forgot that people are simple creatures. Frail at that. After all what war can you fight without battle gear? I need some gear! I think that sometimes we can join and fight the same battle together? Nope, selfish creatures we are too. You want the Golden Fleece for yourself? Oh, sorry that was not what I was after. Thanks though, fail me once and I won’t ask again and I won’t help you when you ask either. My family fights for each other. I want to fight for you too. However fucking jaded you might be your slacking and the sunlight will still peek through just to prove some of the darkest hours are in the brightest days. You have no gear either, and yet you fight? Does that make you a hero? In whose eyes? Your own? You got nothing to prove to anyone. The final judgment is of yourself not of what others think of you. Did you fight battles that were won because the outcome gave just you something better in life? Or did you fight them because it was what made you a better person? Did you save anyone but yourself? Were you the only one asking for your Gods help? No, you weren’t, but did you do something about it? Did you change to make it better? Did you join hands and fight together? Or was it too hard to get along to finish? Crash and burn! Crash and BURN! Totally burned and battling by you again! Never lay that sword down! Always take up arms for those you would die for. But never take up arms for those who would not die for you as well. Don’t be confused with what you think is a lie and what really is the lie. Be mindful. Not all battles are epic. Not all battles are bloody and not all battles are over real love.  But you still need some armor to protect you from the sneaky little minions.

Is this battle real? Of course it is. You may see it in a different “light” per say. I can tell you that I have climbed mountains with demons and lies and found myself alone and in the fog searching for the “light.” You know what I found in the light? Vampires that worship the sun! Yes, vampires that sucks the life right out of you when you are down. Fucked up and twisted you might say. But you too my friend have been a vampire once or twice. It might even be the reason you took up arms to start with. Once you feel the pain from that cycle you learn to fight it. You learn that life is a never ending cycle of pain and desire to fight it. “It’s just life,” you say. Maybe, but doubtful every single one of you will encounter the same battle or the same idea of what you are battling. Demons come in all shapes and sizes, just like liars do.

Then brings us to the question of when is it okay to stop forgiving the liars? The just bend the story in my favor kind of liars…little white lie? Doesn’t matter they are all lies and every single person on this planet has told a lie or two. Big or small, you have told one. Someone forgave you for it too! Sometimes we might question what a lie is and how trust might come to be involved with it. However, there are so many different ways to lie. Sometimes they don’t even need to come out of your mouth. But in your actions you can say a million words and never falter in your lie, until someone sees you do it. Then that lie is a thousand times worse due to the fact that someone just caught you in your little big fucking black hole they call a lie! You are a liar. That’s okay, so am I. I won’t deny lying to someone. I won’t deny lying to someone to try and save them pain or vice versa. More so with me the making it worse than the trying to make it better on them. In any case we are all liars. And we all lie at some point in time just to hurt someone else.

This brings me to a type of lie that is made by you and promised to yourself over and over again, time and time again. Just like when you tell yourself that something is wrong with you and you believe it so much that it starts becoming true. Yea, don’t look at me funny we have all been there. So now I ask, what lie did you tell yourself? What lie sent you down the little rabbit hole that turned your world upside down...that you started. When you realize that it is all in your own head and you can no longer justify the reasons things are so fucked up or are the reason things are fucked up? Funny thing our minds! Something about that fact that we can control that much of our body. It is really your fault you lied to yourself and it is really your fault that you hurt yourself like that…