Monday, September 12, 2011
Signing off...just for a bit.
Today I deleted my Facebook account. I am unsure if I will go back. I dont think that I need it. It seems like a big deal. It really is. A lot of my friends and family are on it. But there is always something. Just as much as there is good, there is bad. I know those that are my friends will come read my blog. If they actually were reading it. But this is not about my blog. It is about me. About where I belong in life. I dont need the added on drama. I dont want to know other people's problems. I just dont care about it that much. Maybe that is what makes me such a bitch as my brother likes to call me. But sometimes I wonder if people really use their brains? Have I crossed some kind of bridge that I can just look at people and go "what the fuck did you think was gunna happen?" I mean really I know I have made choices that people have looked at me about and thought the very same things. "Are you sure you really want to do that?" and "I wouldn't do that if I were you." and my favorite from my mom "you did what?" I see myself saying these things a lot. I dont know why. But sometimes I wonder why I enlisted in the whole idea of people in my life. They complicate my thoughts. Yes, I am a person. I am just as human as you but at the same time I am done dealing with the crap of people. People are dumb. They piss me off so much. Yes, I am sorry I really really like it in my head right now. No I am not depressed, in fact I am very very happy. I feel my fingers tingeling and if someone gets in the way of it, it will go away again. I dont have time. I have wasted so many years and it is all about to spill into a void if I do not do something about it first. Fuck the rest of it. I need to get this out. I dont need the interaction in the drawings of it either. Call me selfish but this is me signing off for just a little while...just so the void does not become full of my words.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Lighting my broken Tardis.
Over the past week I have found that I have reached inside me and found a little light that put a smile on my face. First time in months I think I giggled at the dumbest joke told to me. Strange how when left alone the roads that are open to you. I have a lot to clean up in my life. I was on a bitter road of depression, not only did my body and emotions state it but the way I lived did as well. Taking the extra time to get ready everyday just to make sure I feel good about myself as I walk out the door, actually having the motivation to clean up after myself. I did not realize how depressed I really was. It was like I just forgot the world. I was lost, a machine, a zombie! I dont know what it was that really ignited that little light deep inside me. Its like the engine blew up on the Tardis and the only thing still sparking is the lonely little spark plug that brought it back to life.
Perhaps it was a smile at the right time or a conversation that meant something more than just a little flirting? Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to sit down at a meal with a Christian and an Athiest and have a conversation about science of all things and it was one of the best convos I have had in a long while. That one is written in the history books. I loved every seceond of it. Maybe, its the fact that I know that everyone is at least a phone call away from falling themselves. That I know I am not the only one floating around wondering whats going to happen next? Then there are those who I watch the hand feed and I wonder why did it stop feeding me? I know, because a long time ago I was the one that was pegged to be stronger. The one to get it and take and live with it. To help others when they asked and sometimes when they dont. I am the strong one. People dont worry about me when they dont hear about me because I find a way out. I find a way through. Now wheather I come out 100% is a question yet to be answered. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to deal with other peoples problems. I never asked for this. It was given to me.
Some are still scared to come to me with the whole truth about things that happen. I really dont want all the facts. Sorry love, sometimes its just not needed. Something that no one understands is that I need to regenerate so to say. I get lost in all the hopelessness that people pass along the day I turn out like I did. Yes, the road that brought me to that darker road was my own...and then some. Some people you just cant save. Not because they wont allow you to just because it is not meant to happen. Sad day when one realizes that they have changed their live to save a life that did not want to be saved. Someday, someone will save him, but it wont be me. I was mearly a passer by in a life that was suppsed to only give guidence to a better way of life. I am in the understanding that I may never see that person again. Shared a lot with him. But altogether, I was mearly just a short time in all the life he has yet to live. As he was in mine.
Opening doors again is not easy, when you were made to shut them down. I know who I am, what I believe and what roads I walk down to get things done. I can not change anyone but myself and if others dont accept who I am then what am I to do about it? Not much to do but nothing. Even if my own father can walk away from me at my brothers wedding and still can walk down the road in his own shoes. It will not change who I am and what I have done in my life. It does not effect the way that I change myself today. I only hope that someday his road is his own and lead by only him and on that day I hope our roads cross so that I can tell him that I miss him and love him. I can only hope he accpets me. On that day my happiness will be such a bliss I will admit but it will not make the whole of my happiness. I have to move on and deal with the mistakes I have made. After all they are mine and I am the only person that will answer to them in my final hours.
Some people dont like it when I say, "you make the choices in your life." I dont understand why they get so upset. I dont understand why they try to avoid such a realistic statement. How can you not make your own choices? Fate does not state everything, It can be changed. You have a destination. How you get there is your choice. Just like how happy or sad you are. It is all your choice. Mind over matter. I find that in my head I fight it all the time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have those choices. That I am actually the one making them. That I am the adult and the only person I answer too is me. I have forgotten that in all this world has shown me. I control everything that happens in my life. Only the actions that I do are the ones that change me to be the better person. Even though my life has walked me down some really crooked roads and I am finding lies from former relationships years after the fact, I am still growing to be better. So what if that was the way it happened, it happened and it happened a long time ago. Why would I still mourn over it today? Facinating, that I found the information but it means nothing now.
So I am holding the little spark that is lighting up my broken Tardis. Its only my choice if I want to give it another 10 years of my life or take it away. I am thinking that to be one of a kind, to be who I am...I will give it another 10 years of my life.
Perhaps it was a smile at the right time or a conversation that meant something more than just a little flirting? Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to sit down at a meal with a Christian and an Athiest and have a conversation about science of all things and it was one of the best convos I have had in a long while. That one is written in the history books. I loved every seceond of it. Maybe, its the fact that I know that everyone is at least a phone call away from falling themselves. That I know I am not the only one floating around wondering whats going to happen next? Then there are those who I watch the hand feed and I wonder why did it stop feeding me? I know, because a long time ago I was the one that was pegged to be stronger. The one to get it and take and live with it. To help others when they asked and sometimes when they dont. I am the strong one. People dont worry about me when they dont hear about me because I find a way out. I find a way through. Now wheather I come out 100% is a question yet to be answered. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to deal with other peoples problems. I never asked for this. It was given to me.
Some are still scared to come to me with the whole truth about things that happen. I really dont want all the facts. Sorry love, sometimes its just not needed. Something that no one understands is that I need to regenerate so to say. I get lost in all the hopelessness that people pass along the day I turn out like I did. Yes, the road that brought me to that darker road was my own...and then some. Some people you just cant save. Not because they wont allow you to just because it is not meant to happen. Sad day when one realizes that they have changed their live to save a life that did not want to be saved. Someday, someone will save him, but it wont be me. I was mearly a passer by in a life that was suppsed to only give guidence to a better way of life. I am in the understanding that I may never see that person again. Shared a lot with him. But altogether, I was mearly just a short time in all the life he has yet to live. As he was in mine.
Opening doors again is not easy, when you were made to shut them down. I know who I am, what I believe and what roads I walk down to get things done. I can not change anyone but myself and if others dont accept who I am then what am I to do about it? Not much to do but nothing. Even if my own father can walk away from me at my brothers wedding and still can walk down the road in his own shoes. It will not change who I am and what I have done in my life. It does not effect the way that I change myself today. I only hope that someday his road is his own and lead by only him and on that day I hope our roads cross so that I can tell him that I miss him and love him. I can only hope he accpets me. On that day my happiness will be such a bliss I will admit but it will not make the whole of my happiness. I have to move on and deal with the mistakes I have made. After all they are mine and I am the only person that will answer to them in my final hours.
Some people dont like it when I say, "you make the choices in your life." I dont understand why they get so upset. I dont understand why they try to avoid such a realistic statement. How can you not make your own choices? Fate does not state everything, It can be changed. You have a destination. How you get there is your choice. Just like how happy or sad you are. It is all your choice. Mind over matter. I find that in my head I fight it all the time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have those choices. That I am actually the one making them. That I am the adult and the only person I answer too is me. I have forgotten that in all this world has shown me. I control everything that happens in my life. Only the actions that I do are the ones that change me to be the better person. Even though my life has walked me down some really crooked roads and I am finding lies from former relationships years after the fact, I am still growing to be better. So what if that was the way it happened, it happened and it happened a long time ago. Why would I still mourn over it today? Facinating, that I found the information but it means nothing now.
So I am holding the little spark that is lighting up my broken Tardis. Its only my choice if I want to give it another 10 years of my life or take it away. I am thinking that to be one of a kind, to be who I am...I will give it another 10 years of my life.
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