Lover of The Light

And in the middle of the night,
I may watch you go
There'll be no value in the strength of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown
You may not trust the promises of the change
I'll show
But I'll be yours if you'll be mine
So love the one you hold
And I will be your gold
To have and to hold 

By Mumford and Sons

Stronger for Anthony

"Stronger"(originally by Kanye West)[Chorus:]N- n- now th- that don't kill meCan only make me strongerI need you to hurry up now'cause I can't wait much longerI know I got to be right now'cause I can't get much wrongerMan I've been waitin' all night nowThat's how long I've been on youI need you right nowI need you right nowLet's get lost tonightYou could be my black Kate Moss tonightPlay secretary, I'm a boss tonightAnd you don't give a damn what they all say right?Awesome, the Christian and Christian DiorAnd they don't make 'em like this anymoreI ask 'cause I'm not sureAnybody out there real anymore?Bow in the presence of greatness'cause right now thou has forsaken usYou should be honored by my latenessThat I would even show up to this fakenessSo go ahead go nuts go ape bitchEspecially in my pastel on my bapenessAct like you can't tell who made thisNew gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters[Chorus]I need you right nowI need you right nowI don't know if you got a man or not,If you made plans or notGod put me in the plans or notI'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lotBut I know that God put you in front of meSo how the hell could you front on me?There's a thousand you's, there's only one of meI'm trippin', I'm caught up in the moment right?This is Louis Vuitton Don nightSo we gonna do everything that Jared likeHeard they'd do anything for a KlondikeWell I'd do anything for a blonde-dikeAnd we'll do anything for the limelightAnd we'll do anything when the time's rightBaby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)[Chorus]I need you right now [x4]Don't act like I never told you [x8]

Truth

So I guess I am confused about love again. I am not trying to be. I have been questioned on my honesty in my relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a cheater. They also know that I am picky when it comes to choosing someone I want to be with. I have to have a really strong attraction to someone. I have never fought for someone to see how honest I am, like I have lately. It really pisses me off that people have to fuck up each other like they do. They just screw it up for the people who try to do right by others. I don’t know why one who knows that a person cares for them has to question whether or not they are faithful. Why do they have to allow others to question whether or not they are faithful? Why do I even allow it, because I am. I have really nothing to hide. I am simply allowing from day one everything to be seen or heard and even asked. I have left myself an open book to this person. I want them to know what they want to know. I know something’s are not easy knowing about someone. But does someone’s past have to change who they are now? I don’t seem to think so. Something’s are just not meant to be known by other people I am sure. But if they want to know then know it. I am the same person today as I was yesterday.

  I can only tell you that I see him as so beautiful as a person. I don’t know how to tell him enough that I care about him so much. In fact, I more than care about him. I have not told him. I think he would question it if I did tell him. I try to show him. Sometimes I am not so successful.  I want to be with him. He seems to think that it’s all about me being with him like a status, I think. If he told me he wanted to just be my friend, I would obey. (I think that it is because I keep telling him I want to be with him.) But my heart would be in pieces. I think I would honestly be more heart broken over him than any other relationship. I have some kind of connection to him. We share something so very deep. I don’t know how to tell you what it is. It hurts that his doubt is standing in the way of how he feels and I know he feels because of he hurt he wraps himself in. For some reason he thinks he is not good enough. Really? That never crossed my mind. I know that my feelings are very strong and I don’t waver in the thought to not want him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But he does not believe me. He won’t let himself. I can only help him understand that he hurts me when he acts that way. I want to help him to be better. I don’t want him to hurt. I don’t want to feel that kind of hurt that radiates from him. It’s crazy how I can feel it. I can’t explain that part either. I don’t know what hurts more knowing that he has doubt or knowing he won’t allow himself to feel that love that I have for him.

 I know I am going to hear all the bullshit. “Oh, it’s too early to feel that way.” Or “you don’t really know him do you?” so fucking what. Last I checked no one else was in this relationship but him and me. We control what goes on with the two of us and no one else. I control myself and he controls himself. So I say that and knowing that he has total control of himself. So why can’t he control this crazy sensation that I can always find someone better. That he could picture me with someone else makes me so sick in my tummy. Why? Why would he do that to himself? I cannot Imagine the thought of another woman…I can’t do it. I am not going to try either.

With such a strong man and the difficult past that he says he has. His emotions are not made of steel. I never thought they were. I can only imagine that they are like raw meat and chopped up. I can’t fix it. I can only help mend it. Why would I want to help mend a man whom thinks I will leave him for some slut of a man? Because I don’t just fall for anyone. I don’t just care about anyone and I don’t choose people based on what they can do for me. I choose people on how I connect with them. I have a profound connection with this man. I don’t question why anymore either. I just know how I feel with him. How I feel away from him and that the thought of not having him kills me on the inside. I did not choose him because I was lonely or alone. Those are two very different meanings too. I chose him because I simply cannot control myself. For any emotion that contains him. Good or Bad. I have no control over myself when I am with him. I have simply lost. He has control. 

Some things to say. Some thoughts to hear.

There are some people that come into your life that is very profound for you. Sometimes even though you don’t know them you feel better with them than you ever did yourself.  It truly is a wonderful feeling.  You might almost let yourself forget that you are your own person and that your brain still works in the same process. I myself might have fallen a little too fast. Not by looks or desires to exceed expectations, But by the respect and the desire to appreciate me. What could I ever ask in a man other than the way I have been treated in the last few weeks? I only wish that I had found it sooner. I have to let things come as they come in this process. Especially someone willing to take the time to know who I am and I have always wanted someone to do that. There will be no rush for that. For I find I have the same desire to learn him. I cannot push.

I have also had a horrible reminder of who I was and who I am today. It brought my happiness to a low level today. I had to remember that we have other people in our lives other than ourselves to think about.  I have to let happen what happens. It is hard. Especially knowing how I feel now. I have a larger blog that I wrote the other morning in tears. I am sure that the emotions that were swimming have changed and my senses have fixed themselves. I am not going to lie to myself he could be running amuck right now. But I would like to think that he is as honest as he is presenting himself. Besides for the first time I don’t feel like that is going to happen again.  I have to keep being me. I don’t feel a need to change who I am and I don’t feel that I have to question if I should change. I can just be me. Sometimes that is really a good thing and sometimes a really bad thing.  I hope to never have the need to show any bad side but my good but the bitch does peak around the corner ever so often.  I can only hope that it does not scare off what is and what could be.  See…I have gotten myself wound up again. Just let things happen, Tabbatha.

I am going to attach it though to this piece so we can see how mixed up I am right now. Considering all the people that read this blog….lmao. I like that I can have the opportunity to have the input but not to have the care that people might actually care about what I have to say. But it makes it easier to do so.  But then maybe I should not attach such thoughts on how I feel like that. You get this much. Why place myself outside such a  escape and let you know what I really feel deep down. Oh, that’s right. No one reads my blog. SO…I guess if you read it and you really want to know, you have to ask for it. So it will remain private for me anyway. I guess that I can add it in the final chapters that hurt have wound up in the last couple of years. I am truly afraid to find out what people think of it. People seem to lash out when they think that they might think you are talking about them. In some cases, that might be true and in others no so much. I am glad that you can relate. But that action or emotion not always contains you or I. I am not ready to publish it I supposed. So much to say at this point and time. I know I write about my own hurt. That part is easy. It’s trying to understand someone else’s hurt and placing it into words. Is something else. I am the last person to try and understand why things happen. I always ask lots of questions and want to know what you are thinking. Sometimes I do it to the wrong people. Sometimes the right. Sometimes no one talks and I just have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell. I can only assume those thoughts and feelings. Not good stories to tell for the book but in any case they exist.  Someone has to tell them I guess.

I can’t keep pretending that I live in a fucking Disney story. Reality is…sigh~ we all know what reality is.  We all live it and it sucks a lot. We deal with it and all the pain that we make and the pain people present to us.  I sometimes wonder why people have to make things so hard. Why they let themselves be so miserable? I hate it. Then again I love it.  I think that I have found the happy medium.  Happiness as a form of slavery of sort…I love the idea of it though. If I have to be a slave to happiness then so be it. At least I am not in misery’s back yard right?  Hmmm… misery. She still peaks around corners. She likes to play games and try to turn things upside down.  So fuck her. Really? I can say that right? I am tired of her getting in my head and putting doubt in my brain. I am a sucker for doubt. Too bad for her that I am not playing her game this time around.  HEHE..She must be pissed. Oh well, let my thoughts wonder too long. Let be what will be.

"Love Is Not Enough"

Everyone falls in love. But everyone knows that love is not enough. There is always something that has to be an outstanding factor that keeps the two together. It cannot just be love. There is always money, social acceptance, independence, trust and some sort of ability to understand that someone might have a different idea than you. There is always some other factor that is involved in the relationship. There cannot always be the idea that the other person makes you a better person. That person has to stand up and do it themselves. You will have an impact on them but you can’t change them. I see this happen a lot in the relationships that I observe. Therefore, if you are trying to change your partner does that mean that love is enough for you? If you can’t accept someone for whom or what they are, then is love enough for you? When is enough…enough? Is it ever enough? So an example would be from one of my favorite movies as Samantha asked Jerry, “I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?” (The Mexican) Jerry answered “Never” to Samantha. Do you think that he finally realized that he had to get his act together and that just loving her was not enough? Do you think he said it because that is what she wanted to hear? I see that often as well. Just telling someone what they want to hear and go on to do whatever it is they want to do. There are other people in this world. The only person that you can really control is yourself. Being able to stick to your word is important. Being able to be an adult at some point is important as well.  I wonder sometimes about both parties as well.

 I am not writing this blog to point people out. One has to remember all the people that I see in a day’s time. I don’t know what to say other than some of us need to start using out heads. I know I am not perfect but sometimes…I just don’t get it. I know that factors in love are many. I can’t seem to keep it or find it myself. But then maybe I think too much about it. Maybe that is why I think that love is not enough.  I know it. Maybe its means that I don't give love a figting chance. Maybe it means that I have never actually fallen in love. Maybe, just maybe I am looking for something real and not some fairy tale. Love is not enough. That is all I got to say.

"Love Is Not Enough"

Nine Inch Nails

The more that we take

The paler we get

I can't remember what it is

We try to forget

The tile on the floor

So cold it can sting

In your eyes is a place

Worth remembering

For you to go and take this, to smash it apart

I've gone all this fucking way

To wind up back at

Back at the start

[Chorus:]

Hey, the closer we think we are

Well it only got us so far

Now you got anything left to show

No no I didn't think so

Hey, the sooner we realize

We cover ourselves with lies

But underneath we're not so tough

And love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark

Like the withering vein

We didn't give it a mouth

So it cannot complain

It never really had a chance

We'd never really make it through

I never think I'd believed

I believed I could get better with you

[Chorus]

TIme to Say Goodbye.

So I want everyone to know that reads this post, that I don’t hate anyone, I don’t wish harm against any of you either. I only wish the best for you and yours. I am also not just talking to one person here. So no one is special. I love all my friends and my family but sometimes it is really time to say goodbye, so long, farewell. I promise it does not mean that I hate you or dislike you. I have just outgrown you.  I am so tired of deleting my FB and Twitter because of dumb people. I am done with the drama, I know I have said it 100 times before but now…I am sorry if your feelings are hurt. Only you are hurting yourself. Because I do NOT hate you and I do not, not LOVE you. I am just moving on. I am sorry it just has to be done.  Again, you all rock. I only wish you the best.

Hurt Part 2

I just wanted to take a moment to say this was the harder part to write than the first. This one really just attacks a general idea of how people live, other than facing one person that has broken your heart. Its easy to tell someone how they hurt you. Mostly becuase you know its going to hurt them too. I tried looking at it from the outside an the inside. Feel free to help yourself to the comments.

Hurt Part 2

The world is looked at so many different ways and by so many different people. I have to say that I see the world through my eyes and in part what it makes me feel. I can change my world but in some cases it can only be changed by others working together to change it. I have battles that I work through everyday just like the next person. I also have seen battles that people fight on their own and have no right to take on such an epic adventure without the help of others. Sometimes people succeed and corrupt themselves in order to accomplish what was not meant to be obtained by one person.  Some people fail because they are broken, burned, jaded or just hurt by what they have seen. They give up. They don’t ask for help and they don’t care anymore about anything. Knock, knock the devil is at the doorstep and someone answered. You’re going to fail or you’re going to corrupt. It is a cycle that is continuing all over. There is always a war and there is always people fighting it. Wars are not fought by one person but many. So why take the challenge on by yourself?

I started out this way because I have asked for help on my battles. I have searched out many who could and have found none of certain trust. Not that I don’t trust anyone. Some people are so busy fighting their own personal war they forgot that people are simple creatures. Frail at that. After all what war can you fight without battle gear? I need some gear! I think that sometimes we can join and fight the same battle together? Nope, selfish creatures we are too. You want the Golden Fleece for yourself? Oh, sorry that was not what I was after. Thanks though, fail me once and I won’t ask again and I won’t help you when you ask either. My family fights for each other. I want to fight for you too. However fucking jaded you might be your slacking and the sunlight will still peek through just to prove some of the darkest hours are in the brightest days. You have no gear either, and yet you fight? Does that make you a hero? In whose eyes? Your own? You got nothing to prove to anyone. The final judgment is of yourself not of what others think of you. Did you fight battles that were won because the outcome gave just you something better in life? Or did you fight them because it was what made you a better person? Did you save anyone but yourself? Were you the only one asking for your Gods help? No, you weren’t, but did you do something about it? Did you change to make it better? Did you join hands and fight together? Or was it too hard to get along to finish? Crash and burn! Crash and BURN! Totally burned and battling by you again! Never lay that sword down! Always take up arms for those you would die for. But never take up arms for those who would not die for you as well. Don’t be confused with what you think is a lie and what really is the lie. Be mindful. Not all battles are epic. Not all battles are bloody and not all battles are over real love.  But you still need some armor to protect you from the sneaky little minions.

Is this battle real? Of course it is. You may see it in a different “light” per say. I can tell you that I have climbed mountains with demons and lies and found myself alone and in the fog searching for the “light.” You know what I found in the light? Vampires that worship the sun! Yes, vampires that sucks the life right out of you when you are down. Fucked up and twisted you might say. But you too my friend have been a vampire once or twice. It might even be the reason you took up arms to start with. Once you feel the pain from that cycle you learn to fight it. You learn that life is a never ending cycle of pain and desire to fight it. “It’s just life,” you say. Maybe, but doubtful every single one of you will encounter the same battle or the same idea of what you are battling. Demons come in all shapes and sizes, just like liars do.

Then brings us to the question of when is it okay to stop forgiving the liars? The just bend the story in my favor kind of liars…little white lie? Doesn’t matter they are all lies and every single person on this planet has told a lie or two. Big or small, you have told one. Someone forgave you for it too! Sometimes we might question what a lie is and how trust might come to be involved with it. However, there are so many different ways to lie. Sometimes they don’t even need to come out of your mouth. But in your actions you can say a million words and never falter in your lie, until someone sees you do it. Then that lie is a thousand times worse due to the fact that someone just caught you in your little big fucking black hole they call a lie! You are a liar. That’s okay, so am I. I won’t deny lying to someone. I won’t deny lying to someone to try and save them pain or vice versa. More so with me the making it worse than the trying to make it better on them. In any case we are all liars. And we all lie at some point in time just to hurt someone else.

This brings me to a type of lie that is made by you and promised to yourself over and over again, time and time again. Just like when you tell yourself that something is wrong with you and you believe it so much that it starts becoming true. Yea, don’t look at me funny we have all been there. So now I ask, what lie did you tell yourself? What lie sent you down the little rabbit hole that turned your world upside down...that you started. When you realize that it is all in your own head and you can no longer justify the reasons things are so fucked up or are the reason things are fucked up? Funny thing our minds! Something about that fact that we can control that much of our body. It is really your fault you lied to yourself and it is really your fault that you hurt yourself like that…              

Serial Killer of Friendships

So you will always meet someone that will change you in some way or another. I have had someone do that for me. I also had them hurt my feelings more than I think that they will really ever understand. That’s okay too, I waited for days to tell this person how I felt about what they did to me and how I felt about them. In the end I never said the words to them. I think that they might already know what they did to me and if they don’t… Shame on them. I am unsure if I would take up battle for this person or even build bridges before they started their half first. I honestly think that this person needed to hurt someone as much as they hurt on the inside. After all hurt people, hurt people. Whether the response is right or not. This person knew they hurt me and they knew it when it happened that they were hurting me too.

The point is, do you really need that last word to tell someone that they hurt you? Do you need to let them know that they did? Do I need that closure of that relationship? Yes, I do but I had to give myself that closure and that person gets little or no interaction with me and in some cases not so nice. They might think I am being rude or whatever, but how much can you let someone abuse you and walk on you before you say “FUCK YOU!” You never should let anyone walk on you no matter what they might be to you.

In the end I will never say a word to this person on how much they hurt me. I just have to walk on by and hope that they don’t do it to someone else and become a serial killer of friendships and hearts. What a world we have come too that we have to worry about our friends stabbing us in the freaking heart? Fuck this…

Hurt People Part 1

Hurt People

Part 1

Here now it has happened. It took a really deep sorrow to bring me back to “Hurt.” I never thought that I could feel this way again. But when hurt people hurt, they hurt people. It’s a cycle that elopes with misery and settles deep in the heart.  I am never right about much but I do know that the heart hurts on things that words could not explain. I hurt people.

A tear, one little lonely tear is all it took for me to realize that my faults are letting me fuck up. Did I look in the mirror today and say “I am not that person; I am not this horrible painful being that strives on hurting other people!” Every day, I say it to myself and in one simple thoughtless act I can lose everything. It might be a simple passing thought to some people to hurt others and it not work on them the guilt that comes with it. It kills me knowing that I don’t have much to go on and the only real things that I have found in life are through the others in my life. Those are the people I hurt the most. And so I am stuck in a rut; the little caterpillars are just running and running in circles over and over again. How many people have I lost in the last year? How many people can one hurt and finally realize that it took just one person to say that you hurt them? It took one fucking person to bring me down to the tears I have never cried. What the fuck? What kind of power is that? It’s amazing really. Someone had the power to bring me down and put in my place. Really scary.  But was the power in knowing that I hurt them or knowing that pain is just as physically seen as it is felt. I knew as soon as it happened I had fucked all kinds of up. No matter how what started out I had found myself in a long lost winding thought that carried all the way through to the end of the night where it was finally exposed. I hurt people.

So “Hurt” has been opened up again. Those of you that know; it’s a chapter that was once closed. But tonight, tonight someone gave me the power to work on it again. I don’t expect some people to understand. Some have read just little versions and have no idea that what they are feeling is hurt, a pain that suffers and burns at the veins in your heart as you read it.  It’s a misery you might even understand.  It’s reaching deep, deep into the pits of your stomach and just ripping the hell out of you.  It’s really not even all my hurt but seeing the fire in someone’s eyes dim because of it, simply put, it sucks. I see more people suffer through the day just to support an idea that they can be happy. Even the smallest step to happiness fucks someone else’s world up. You know I am not lying either.  There is always an idea of happiness and at times we have happy times in small cups and packets of sugar. I do believe that I live for those moments because I don’t have very many honest people to share that with.  Happiness is a form of misery and misery elopes with hurt and pain. A constant battle a constant struggle to find a simple comfort in a smile, in a laugh, in a little happiness. Where do you go when you can’t escape yourself in fucking it up? When you are left to face yourself on your own because you hurt someone? I hurt someone and its really killing me on the inside.

But all I can say is, Wow. How did this person do the job that people have been trying to tell me for years? I don’t know. It scares me. It also scares me that, that person knew exactly the right words to say to bring me on my ass and make me feel just exactly what they were feeling? Fuck this ability that I have. I always find the right people to do the job.  They did a good job. Its 4 am and I am writing this. I don’t write anymore. I don’t write for “Hurt” anymore either. Do I have to put this little essay in? Yes, yes I do, because I hurt people, but because I hurt that person. Somehow they have made a little imprint that most people don’t even get a chance to make. Most people let the very little emotion that is collapsed in their own life to what is of me. With everyone burning bridges around me and I still find reasons to stop the war and rebuild them. Then I slap the mule in the ass and send it over with the white flag only finding that I pissed the mule off too! Now I am left a carrying the damn thing across the bridge myself while I am bombarded with cannon fire and little drama queens that are climbing the sides of the bridge. Fuck this shit. I surrender. Deal without the flag. I already know I hurt them unknowingly. Mostly when I am hurting myself, and I am walking across the damn bridge. Fuck me. Come save my ass from this very painful ride. Please, meet me half way.  Hurt people hurt other people and I guess in a way it was a favor to me. To finally feel what someone else was feeling. Fuck! I am stuck in the middle of the damn bridge and it’s tumbling to the ground. I said that I surrendered…right? Then what is happening now? Oh, geeze didn’t make it to the other side of the damn bridge and I did it again. I have issues and its starting to show as I start to pick the bricks up and stack them one by one on my own again. What do I got to do to stop this. Who builds bridges in a war anyway? I am guessing that this person does…~sigh~ I hurt people.

So when I say imprint. I simply mean that. Now I don’t mean the way they do in Twilight. Come on now ladies, vampires really don’t glow. But people do. Sometimes people are so incredibly bright and beautiful. They have no clue either. So when you tell them they are flattered but all the more confused. Beauty is not a woman or a man, just like sex is not always sexy, and love is not always as blissful as one might imagine it to be.  So when I say that you are beautiful, I am not talking about your looks. I am talking about the desire to be who you are and how you burn to reach that higher knowledge of one self. So when you have imprinted on me what kind of wonderful person you are. How wonderful that you have treated me.  How beautiful your soul really is. I see it.  Do I deserve such beautiful companionship? At this moment I don’t know, but I crave you. Haven’t even known you the days or months to count on my fingers and toes. It is what it is. I am just as human as you are and I am attracted to beauty just as much as you are. I am also in a lot of trouble with these thoughts right now.

Damn this hurts.

“Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.”

~

Chasing Amy

Burned and Broken

Burned and Broken

By Tabbatha Franklin

Burned and Broken

A soul searches for meaning in thought,

A mind can get carried away with thoughts of might could be,

Burned and broken a heart does still beat even though it breaks with every thought.

Whose soul is yours?

Who thought it would mean so much?

Can silence really release the broken hearted?

Is the silence the end of what you could be, or do you hide in fear?

Scared of so many thoughts,

So burned and broken, so lost in what should have been,

So what about what you can be and what you are to keep you alive?

Burned and broken, no I don’t think so; beautiful souls always find a reason to soar!

Horrible People

So this blog might hurt someone’s feelings but I hope that people can stay adults.

I am so incredibly hurt right now. Yea, yea you apologized, but that does not change what was said to them. No one is perfect and no one is completely happy. Maybe I am down A LOT but I also have the mind that others might be too. I guess the whole disappoint in what happened was not how things went down. It was what was said.

NO ONE ever has the right to tell someone how horrible they are. I know because I have been told how horrible I am. No I am not trying too being up the past. I just know how hard it is to overcome someone telling you how bad you are. I don’t think that anyone has any right to say anything to anyone about how horrible they are as a person. Whether it is morals or ethics. There is not one thing that you can say to someone else that you won’t also find in yourself. I know because I have been on that side of things too. No, I am not a know it all. I also don’t know everything either.  But I know this. I also know that when I look in the mirror every day I find those faults again and again and I have to say “I am not that person anymore.” That is what I say but the last few days have challenged me to become that person again. I have never been so mad in my life and I have never fought so hard in my life not to reach out and untie the part of me. Please never accuse me of abusing you when I haven’t even begun to start any kind of abuse. My friends and family can tell you that I can take the world and smash it around you if it is called for. I am not saying I am great but I am pushed enough I can become that person again. I hate the fact that I can still reach out and find that part of me again and I guess that I always will be able too. But when you tell someone off, give it some tact and maybe use some big words or something don’t belittle yourself with the wrong use of words and even some wrong information. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors and NO ONE belongs in other people’s business. Someone might use you as a leaning post and I hope that you use that information to help that person, and not use it because you just couldn’t help yourself and could only know half the information. But that is really not the case is it. It’s that face that no one is ever meant to hear how horrible they are. Perhaps they are already knocked down, down and out or dealing with something that no one even knows about yet. Not everyone tells their secrets to just anyone and everyone.  

At this point I am made to look like that bad guy to all and you have made yourself the victim. That is okay with me in the long run. I at least know I had the self-control to no be that person anymore. I know that I won that challenge even if you don’t know it or even know who that person used to be. I do and I won that battle. I hope that I never have to be tempted to be that person anymore. Maybe that might make me a bit of a push over, but I would rather be a push over than the raving crazy bitch I used to be. Even though I am told that I still might be… just a little bit.

Some Holiday Joy...

SO this holiday season I am really down and out. This is a time you are supposed to find the things that you are grateful for in your life. Right now I just can’t seem to find much that I am grateful for? I find myself more and more frustrated everyday as I am finding that I can barely pay my own bills. I can’t do any kind of Christmas and I can’t stop what I am doing to have any kind of human interaction other than what I get at work. It seems that I don’t have the time for any kind of real relationship. I am screaming for something. Some laughter, real conversation, real time that I can enjoy this and just even time to think. I am so tired all the time and it’s just not my body. I am tired all the time because of all the drama from talking and dealing with people all the time. I just stopped talking to some people just to see if the drama stopped.  Just to see how much of those drama rumors were true. I just don’t care anymore. Some people have just ruined the friendship on their own insecurities. Some ruined it because they think they can talk to me like they can control me. Guess that really turned me off so why bother. That bullshit came up again and I was done. I want something real in my life. Looks like I won’t be getting that. I know I am almost at a breaking point. I just hope I don’t break down in the wrong place. I might screw just the simple things in life. I can’t even get the basic things I need I see no point in moving on.

I guarantee that someone will take offense and say I am your friend and or that I talk to you and whatever else. This is not to say you are not there for me. Its to say I am looking for something more in life.  Something that fits me, fits the life I want to lead and the person I want to be.

F&*K YOU

FUCK YOU

IT IS SAD THAT THE FIRST LINE THAT COMES TO MY MIND TO WRITE TONIGHT IS THESS WORDS. KINDA FUN. NO NOT REALLY I HAVE HAD A REAL HARD LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. MOST OF THIS ISSUE IS IN MYSELF. SOME OF IT IS WITH OTHERS. BUT WHAT CAN I SAY AND DO ABOUT OTHERS THEY RUN THEIR OWN LIVES. I GOT MY OWN TO WORRY ABOUT. FUCK YOU WORLD. FUCK YOU LIFE. WTF? I REALLY HAVE NOTHING. I AM MAD AT A PERSON. I AM MAD BECAUSE I CAUGHT THEM IN A SET UP. I MADE IT AND I KNEW THE OUTCOME BEFORE I FINISHED. FUCKED UP MUCH. YES. AM I GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? OR AM I GOING TO FILE IT AWAY FOR ANOTHER DAY? CHOICES THAT WE ARE PRESENTED WITH.  CHOICES THAT I DON’T CARE TO MAKE JUST YET. NOT GOING FURTHER INTO THAT ONE. YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS BUT I WON’T ANSWER. SAD THING IS EVERYTIME I WRITE A BLOG EVERYONE HAS TO ASK IS IT ME? DID I PISS YOU OFF? IS EVERYONE GULITY MUCH? SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON’T HAVE TO DO WITH YOU. SO IF YOU WANT TO WONDER, DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME, SPACE AND THOUGHT. FAR AS I AM CONCERNED WHAT I DID WAS NOT BAD. DIDN’T EVEN START AS A SET UP. THEY SET THEMSELVES UP ACCIDENTLY ON PURPOSE MAYBE. ANYWAY, YOU GUYS CAN FIGHT OVER WHO YOU WANT IT TO BE. BUT I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THE TRUTH.

I WORRY ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT PHASE OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN IN I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT KINDA MAKES ME TURN INTO A ZOMBIE. WELL JEEPERS CREEPERS.  I HAVE BECOME ONE OF THOSE. OH MAN SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD NOW. WHY WOULD THIS BE OKAY? ITS REALLY NOT, JUST WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH ON THE BRAIN ITS ALMOST LIKE IT JUST SHUTS DOWN. I FUCK UP A LOT, HENCE THE PHRASE FUCK YOU. THE ONLY THING I THINK A ZOMBIE WOULD SAY IF IT COULD SPEAK.  I EXPECT TO MUCH OUT OF LIFE AND SOMETIMES IT IS AS IT IS. FUCKED UP. I HAVE TO TAKE IT THAT WAY AND WORRY OR TRY AND FIND SOME ASPHALT FIELDS OF JASMINE…NOT HAPPENING IN MY LIFE OR BEFORE. I NEED ONE THING TO HAPPEN TO SET MY LIFE ON FIRE TO SET ME FREE OF THIS RUT THAT I AM IN. WALDEN WOULD BE PROUD OF THE WAY I HAVE USED HIS WRITING IN MY LIFE. MAYBE NOT HOW I LIVE IT BUT HOW I HAVE APPLIED THE CONCEPT AT LEAST.

 FUCK IS A BIG WORD IN THIS ESSAY SO AGAIN LET ME SAY. FUCK. I AM UNSURE IF IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER YET BUT THE RED FITS MY MOOD. STRANGE. NEVER BEEN A RED PERSON. BUT HERE IT IS. FUCK FEELS GOOD TO BE A DIFFERENT COLOR FOR THE FEW SHORT MINUTES I WRITE MY BLOG…

TIME IS AN ISSUE HERE OF LATE TOO. I HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT OR JUST NOT ENOUGH OF IT. AND OF COURSE NOT AN OUNCE OF TIME TO WRITE. I PROMSIED A BLOG DAYS AGO AND I AM JUST NOW DOING AND I AM NOT EVEN WRITING ON WHAT I WAS GOING TOO ANYWAY. FRUSTRATING. MAYBE I AM SELFISH WITH MY TIME BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING UP WHAT MAKES ME ON THE WRITING. NOT HAPPENING AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STANDING IN THE WAY OF IT. SOMETIMES LIFE JUST TAKES OVER. I UNDERSTAND. I JUST GOT TO DO BETTER AT THIS. AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GIVE MYSELF. I MEAN REALLY. FUCK. I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. FUCK ME. I FEEL LIKE A FAILER.

Bitch Out

You know what I am a complainer. I like to complain. But what does it say when the complainer says that it is just time to stop complaining? Its pretty fucking bad. I am almost to the point to stop talking to this person because they are bringing me down so bad.  I don't want too but I am trying to do things better in my life fix my mistakes why do I need someone to keep reminding me of my faults and or making some things worse than they are by exaggerating on a particular situation. Yes, I have made some really bad fucking choices have hurt lots of people but damn fucking shut up and change it. Its already known your not going to take any ones advice but your own so just fix it, see it, own it! I have to every fucking day. Even if its a little mistake I still have to own up to it and fix it. I can point and blame for so long and boom right in my fucking face again. Fuck that shit. Just deal with it and take care of it don't swim around in your own shit for years because your too fucking scared. Stop saying that your gonna do and then never do. Just make yourself happy for once. Damn.

Jasmine in the Asphalt feilds

So what can I really say about the last couple of weeks...So much has happened not only mentally but physicaly for me too. Life changing. Not much to really go on about...

I do have one thing I would like to bitch about today and I might piss someone off but it really needs to be said. So here it goes.

Not everyone is against you and not everything is your fault. This is something I try to overcome on somethings still today. But somethings just happen and there is nothing you can do about it. I have always said that YOU make the choices that change your life. Not that I don't believe in a greater power to lead us; just I think we always have a choice to change it. It always gives you a choice. Sometimes you make the right choice and sometimes you don't. Sometimes those choices follow you for years...sometimes you just dwell on them for so long that they are like brand new in your eyes all the time.

 Example: I remember once when a friend hurt me. She said some really bad things that hurt really deep to the core of who I was, though I am not that person anymore, I still from time to time look in the mirror and say "I am not a horrible person." It took a really long time for me to even say it. Though this person and I are good friends today and we have both apologized to each other, I still sometimes think I must be a horrible person. Its not her fault I have this downfall but I sometimes still have it. I have to tell myself that I am just not that person anymore. Move on I say. I wanted to change myself.

So I changed and I discovered a world that had been waiting for me. I became stronger. Not only emotionally but mentally. I sometimes wonder about my sisters though. They each dwell on their own needs and forget that others have feelings too. Trust me I am not a perfect person I have my moments and I will be the first to say that. But how can I trust in my sisters when they are not strong enough to trust in themselves? There is a battle before us and so far I have one that I shut off and blocked out of something she can control, I have another that is demeaning herself and dealing with things she needs to let go before they are used against her, and another that just needs to know that we love her and believe in herself and she can accomplish great things.  After everything I have seen and all that I have made it through I have no reason not to beleive in myself. I can do anything I can overcome and I can come back and save my loved ones even if they dont want to be saved.

I cant let them take control. I would not be that person to let them hurt themselves because their minds were not open or their souls were roaming in another place. Though my soul always wonders looking for the Jasmine in the asphalt filled feilds, I can control those that have tried to take me from my reality. Sometimes what you dont see and sometimes the stories that you think you know are so much bigger than what you think they are. Never judge me. I would blow your mind. That is if I ever chose to tell you. I am not about the been there done that shit. But if I tell you something and or tell you do to something, you should probley beleive me and do it. Just sayin...

So to my sisters: Time to snap out of it. We need eachother now and we not only need to believe in ourselfs but eachother. So before I can put my life in your hands. Fix it. Stop blaming everything on yourself, stop complaining that everyone is against you and for Goddess sake remember that in your choices you need to make sure you think of someone besides yourself. Remember that you are strong and that you can do what people say you cant and you can over come the hardest roads if you just wake up every day knowing that your not going to let anyone walk all over you. Help those that need it. Maybe just a little, maybe just a lot. Maybe you got to forget the past and realize that sometimes its just not about you anymore but about that person who was placed in your life right here, right now that needs YOU! Remember YOU make the choices in your life, you chose what road to travel. You choose to play the fiddle or to keep on walking. You can beat the greater evil without selling your soul to be happy.

Signing off...just for a bit.

Today I deleted my Facebook account. I am unsure if I will go back. I dont think that I need it. It seems like a big deal. It really is. A lot of my friends and family are on it. But there is always something. Just as much as there is good, there is bad. I know those that are my friends will come read my blog. If they actually were reading it. But this is not about my blog. It is about me. About where I belong in life. I dont need the added on drama. I dont want to know other people's problems. I just dont care about it that much. Maybe that is what makes me such a bitch as my brother likes to call me. But sometimes I wonder if people really use their brains? Have I crossed some kind of bridge that I can just look at people and go "what the fuck did you think was gunna happen?" I mean really I know I have made choices that people have looked at me about and thought the very same things. "Are you sure you really want to do that?" and "I wouldn't do that if I were you." and my favorite from my mom "you did what?" I see myself saying these things a lot. I dont know why. But sometimes I wonder why I enlisted in the whole idea of people in my life. They complicate my thoughts. Yes, I am a person. I am just as human as you but at the same time I am done dealing with the crap of people. People are dumb. They piss me off so much. Yes, I am sorry I really really like it in my head right now. No I am not depressed, in fact I am very very happy. I feel my fingers tingeling and if someone gets in the way of it, it will go away again. I dont have time. I have wasted so many years and it is all about to spill into a void if I do not do something about it first. Fuck the rest of it. I need to get this out. I dont need the interaction in the drawings of it either. Call me selfish but this is me signing off for just a little while...just so the void does not become full of my words.

Lighting my broken Tardis.

Over the past week I have found that I have reached inside me and found a little light that put a smile on my face. First time in months I think I giggled at the dumbest joke told to me. Strange how when left alone the roads that are open to you. I have a lot to clean up in my life. I was on a bitter road of depression, not only did my body and emotions state it but the way I lived did as well. Taking the extra time to get ready everyday just to make sure I feel good about myself as I walk out the door, actually having the motivation to clean up after myself. I did not realize how depressed I really was. It was like I just forgot the world. I was lost, a machine, a zombie! I dont know what it was that really ignited that little light deep inside me. Its like the engine blew up on the Tardis and the only thing still sparking is the lonely little spark plug that brought it back to life.

Perhaps it was a smile at the right time or a conversation that meant something more than just a little flirting? Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to sit down at a meal with a Christian and an Athiest and have a conversation about science of all things and it was one of the best convos I have had in a long while. That one is written in the history books. I loved every seceond of it.  Maybe, its the fact that I know that everyone is at least a phone call away from falling themselves. That I know I am not the only one floating around wondering whats going to happen next? Then there are those who I watch the hand feed and I wonder why did it stop feeding me? I know, because a long time ago I was the one that was pegged to be stronger. The one to get it and take and live with it. To help others when they asked and sometimes when they dont.  I am the strong one. People dont worry about me when they dont hear about me because I find a way out. I find a way through. Now wheather I come out 100% is a question yet to be answered. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to deal with other peoples problems. I never asked for this. It was given to me.

Some are still scared to come to me with the whole truth about things that happen. I really dont want all the facts. Sorry love, sometimes its just not needed. Something that no one understands is that I need to regenerate so to say. I get lost in all the hopelessness that people pass along the day I turn out like I did. Yes, the road that brought me to that darker road was my own...and then some. Some people you just cant save. Not because they wont allow you to just because it is not meant to happen. Sad day when one realizes that they have changed their live to save a life that did not want to be saved. Someday, someone will save him, but it wont be me. I was mearly a passer by in a life that was suppsed to only give guidence to a better way of life. I am in the understanding that I may never see that person again. Shared a lot with him. But altogether, I was mearly just a short time in all the life he has yet to live. As he was in mine.

Opening doors again is not easy, when you were made to shut them down. I know who I am, what I believe and what roads I walk down to get things done. I can not change anyone but myself and if others dont accept who I am then what am I to do about it? Not much to do but nothing. Even if my own father can walk away from me at my brothers wedding and still can walk down the road in his own shoes. It will not change who I am and what I have done in my life. It does not effect the way that I change myself today. I only hope that someday his road is his own and lead by only him and on that day I hope our roads cross so that I can tell him that I miss him and love him. I can only hope he accpets me. On that day my happiness will be such a bliss I will admit but it will not make the whole of my happiness. I have to move on and deal with the mistakes I have made.  After all they are mine and I am the only person that will answer to them in my final hours.

Some people dont like it when I say, "you make the choices in your life." I dont understand why they get so upset. I dont understand why they try to avoid such a realistic statement. How can you not make your own choices? Fate does not state everything, It can be changed. You have a destination. How you get there is your choice. Just like how happy or sad you are. It is all your choice. Mind over matter. I find that in my head I fight it all the time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have those choices. That I am actually the one making them. That I am the adult and the only person I answer too is me. I have forgotten that in all this world has shown me. I control everything that happens in my life. Only the actions that I do are the ones that change me to be the better person. Even though my life has walked me down some really crooked roads and I am finding lies from former relationships years after the fact, I am still growing to be better. So what if that was the way it happened, it happened and it happened a long time ago. Why would I still mourn over it today? Facinating, that I found the information but it means nothing now.

So I am holding the little spark that is lighting up my broken Tardis. Its only my choice if I want to give it another 10 years of my life or take it away. I am thinking that to be one of a kind, to be who I am...I will give it another 10 years of my life.

Someone to follow me into the Dark

I guess that you could say that I am having a hard time. I got what I wanted and that was to be alone. But then being alone was much better than being stuck with someone that you still felt like you were alone with.  Perhaps I belived Disney when he altered his fairy tales to always have a happy ending. Or perhaps just the idea that there might be someone out there that could make me just tremble all over by just the thought of them. It breaks my heart even more knowing that I have never felt that. I know people say, "oh, my husband doesnt make me feel like that everyday!"  Your always laughing at me. But what happens when he has to go away? What happens when you are alone. Who is there to hold you? Have you taken advantage of him? Taken the advantage that he will always be there? This can go vice versa for those "men" who read my blogs. Do we take avantage of out lovers and act like they will always be there? Those of us that sleep or slept next to a warm body that did not know how to love is even left wth the feeling that they should have snuggled a little closer when they had the chance. What I would give just for a warm touch right now. No, not sex, just the presence of someone who actually wants me to sit next to them, hold my hand, kiss me and let me know that they are not going to let me fade away. Knowing that they will follow me into the dark. Is that really so much to ask?

Knowing I would not follow my own former husband into the dark becuase he could not promise me that he would do the same. I walked away. Is there not someone who would challenge me? I know I could do it. The only proof I need is that you love me. That even if you dont make me tremble to my toes everyday that it wouldnt take much to make me. Someone to love me. Someone to follow me into the dark.

If I knew you loved me.

Sometimes I think late at night that I could forgive you for everything. If only I knew that you loved me. I could come to think that you would be accepted no matter what you did, if you could prove that you did in fact love me. I would even say that if you were on your knees begging me that all would be forgotten on what you have said and done to others. But you wont. You dont love me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever did? I was alone still married to you because you would not think of anyone but yourself and of course your grandparents. Yes, they are good people but at some point shouldnt I matter too? No, because I dont matter. If I were on the edge of the cliff and you had to jump over fire to save me, I know I would die. Sad hard truth. Truth hurts though. The truth that everything about you and I ended up a lie. Everything changed all the long conversations that of who we are and how we wanted life to be. It was a lie between eachother. You never understood anything. Because you never thought about anyone but yourself. So did you love me?

I was never meant to be the druggie.

Today I told my sister-in-law that I would not be a good druggie. Tonight, I realized it even more when I tried to unlock my car with my house key. I was like "what the hell and I doing?" I still went to the gas station to get a drink. I made it home ok. Seem to be in one piece but I also see that I tried to call m ex. Why would I do that? This pain killer stuff is kicking my ass and the thing is that I am taking them before work. No wonder people are looking at me so weird. The thing is my stats are getting better. So something somewhere is working out for me by taking the pills. I am in less pain. I really had no idea what kind of pain that I was in until I was pain free. Pretty fucked up.
 Which brings me to my mani pedi that I got Monday night. I went because I really wanted to feel better about myself. I was feeling really down and just needed something done for me. After I spent 80 bucks getting this all done I noticd crawling into bed that my big toe was sore. No biggie probley just stubbed it on something. Today went fine until I noticed that my toe was freaking hurting when walking. So I looked down and saw a huge puss bubble that was getting bigger and bigger. Well, damn I have an infection. From my pedi!!! SO, I take off work because I am worried that it could get worse because my whole toe is red and swollen. I go back to the place and tell them that I want my money back for all services that I got. The lady said that the owner was not around and that she was the manager and so I asked when the owner would be in. She then said that she was the owner. So which is she? She would only give me my money back for the pedi. Ok fair enough, but I want the owners name and number. She just gave me her name and the store number. I dont think that she is the owner and I am sure the BBB and the Health Department will figure it out. It just pisses me off.  I have been going to the same place since my grandma took me when I was 16. I am going to be 29 this year. That is a long time and a really bad way to treat a customer that has been using your services for so long.
But the reason I told you this story is because I was on pain pills when I got all this done on Monday. Could she have cut me and I not have known it? I wonder if my impairment caused me my own pain today? Or did they really just not clean their shit?
The impairment has explained some of the very strange things I have caught myself doing. It makes me wonder what other crazy shit I am doing in public?  I am sure that someone will tell me. It is really kind of scary. It is already bad enough that I play in left field on my "drugs" as I call them I think I might have made it into the parking lot trying to catch a ball thats not going to make it that far. Yea, maybe I should ask for something different but then I have already been perscribed so much that I am afraid too. Because now I am on Loritab, a ridiculous dose of Naproxen and Flexeril. This is crazy shit. Too much for me I think. I am not meant to be a druggie for sure.