So I played in left field before I got here...

I am just sitting here. Thinking. Thinking is bad for me. I want to do so many things with next to no motivation what so ever. Sucks really. It takes a lot for me to get up and going everyday and it takes a lot for me to lay down at night. Not much of this makes a lick of sense to me. Laura told me that I need to tell myself that everyday will be good. I used to do that when I could not escape the taunting of my ex. Something has changed now that I am free. I am alone like I requested. But I did not realize that I would be alone. I like my space. I do I wont lie. Sometimes I just should not be alone to all the "thinking" that I do.  I have things to do. Like picking up the house. It would take me 30 mins at the most to do everything that needs to be done. But I dont do it. I just dream about being somewhere else. I want to be somewhere else. I want my friends to come spend hours with me on my days off, but they wont. If they do come its only for a few hours at most or for what needs to be done. I have friends yes, I am not going to say that they are not like sisters to me but deep inside me I still look for a companionship that I still dont have. Not that they are not good for me I know what they are thinking now. They are good to me and the sacrifice to be my friend with the crazy dull that rides around me. Sometimes I wonder if I make them go away with the crazy things that I say.

I stare at my computer and think of a better life with my writing posted on the best seller list. It could happen. If I could write it. I remember a time that the words would just spill out of me. They were just there. I was alone then, yearning something similar then as I am now. Strange that I am still looking for the samethings years later with all that I have been through. But here I am talking about it and how I have not accomplished doing so thus far in life. That kinda sucks for me. I am getting older, though I am told I dont look my age. Greatful for that but I feel so ancient. I feel like I have been through battle. Like, raging war. The swords clashing together, the blood flying through the air. War crys echoing as the people run and just crash together in a battle of blood.  Yea, did I just walk right out of that one? I dont know but I sure as hell feel like it.  My path consumes me and in it I might fight this battle hoping that something good will consume me for fighting against an invisible army. I think Ithings that are not right in the head, starting to realize that now. Knowing that everyone has evil in them, realizing that I have tapped mine scares me to wondering what could I really do and get away with it. My mind is really wicked. I need to do something to switch this path. No good will consume me if I win in this battle...if I get a chance too.

I am not saying that love made me wicked.  That would be really unfair. I walk away from my craft afraid that I might mislead my people. So I just assign them the basic things they need to know. I havent spoken of the demons that are surfing among us. So complicated when I am left to fight them on my own.  How do you tell someone something like that? I am sorry you have demons and I am going to kill them for you. Damn, you dont! People might think your crazy...well at least the ones that dont know who you are. The ones that do already know that you see them and you are there to fight. I will never be able to fully explain what I am and what I can do. Only that tapping the wicked path that I have has left me mentally strong but drained beyond what one can imagine. Only a few know what I am talking about and so I look really fucking crazy right now. So be it. I played in left field before I got here anyway.