F&*K YOU

FUCK YOU

IT IS SAD THAT THE FIRST LINE THAT COMES TO MY MIND TO WRITE TONIGHT IS THESS WORDS. KINDA FUN. NO NOT REALLY I HAVE HAD A REAL HARD LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. MOST OF THIS ISSUE IS IN MYSELF. SOME OF IT IS WITH OTHERS. BUT WHAT CAN I SAY AND DO ABOUT OTHERS THEY RUN THEIR OWN LIVES. I GOT MY OWN TO WORRY ABOUT. FUCK YOU WORLD. FUCK YOU LIFE. WTF? I REALLY HAVE NOTHING. I AM MAD AT A PERSON. I AM MAD BECAUSE I CAUGHT THEM IN A SET UP. I MADE IT AND I KNEW THE OUTCOME BEFORE I FINISHED. FUCKED UP MUCH. YES. AM I GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? OR AM I GOING TO FILE IT AWAY FOR ANOTHER DAY? CHOICES THAT WE ARE PRESENTED WITH.  CHOICES THAT I DON’T CARE TO MAKE JUST YET. NOT GOING FURTHER INTO THAT ONE. YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS BUT I WON’T ANSWER. SAD THING IS EVERYTIME I WRITE A BLOG EVERYONE HAS TO ASK IS IT ME? DID I PISS YOU OFF? IS EVERYONE GULITY MUCH? SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON’T HAVE TO DO WITH YOU. SO IF YOU WANT TO WONDER, DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME, SPACE AND THOUGHT. FAR AS I AM CONCERNED WHAT I DID WAS NOT BAD. DIDN’T EVEN START AS A SET UP. THEY SET THEMSELVES UP ACCIDENTLY ON PURPOSE MAYBE. ANYWAY, YOU GUYS CAN FIGHT OVER WHO YOU WANT IT TO BE. BUT I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THE TRUTH.

I WORRY ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT PHASE OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN IN I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT KINDA MAKES ME TURN INTO A ZOMBIE. WELL JEEPERS CREEPERS.  I HAVE BECOME ONE OF THOSE. OH MAN SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD NOW. WHY WOULD THIS BE OKAY? ITS REALLY NOT, JUST WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH ON THE BRAIN ITS ALMOST LIKE IT JUST SHUTS DOWN. I FUCK UP A LOT, HENCE THE PHRASE FUCK YOU. THE ONLY THING I THINK A ZOMBIE WOULD SAY IF IT COULD SPEAK.  I EXPECT TO MUCH OUT OF LIFE AND SOMETIMES IT IS AS IT IS. FUCKED UP. I HAVE TO TAKE IT THAT WAY AND WORRY OR TRY AND FIND SOME ASPHALT FIELDS OF JASMINE…NOT HAPPENING IN MY LIFE OR BEFORE. I NEED ONE THING TO HAPPEN TO SET MY LIFE ON FIRE TO SET ME FREE OF THIS RUT THAT I AM IN. WALDEN WOULD BE PROUD OF THE WAY I HAVE USED HIS WRITING IN MY LIFE. MAYBE NOT HOW I LIVE IT BUT HOW I HAVE APPLIED THE CONCEPT AT LEAST.

 FUCK IS A BIG WORD IN THIS ESSAY SO AGAIN LET ME SAY. FUCK. I AM UNSURE IF IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER YET BUT THE RED FITS MY MOOD. STRANGE. NEVER BEEN A RED PERSON. BUT HERE IT IS. FUCK FEELS GOOD TO BE A DIFFERENT COLOR FOR THE FEW SHORT MINUTES I WRITE MY BLOG…

TIME IS AN ISSUE HERE OF LATE TOO. I HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT OR JUST NOT ENOUGH OF IT. AND OF COURSE NOT AN OUNCE OF TIME TO WRITE. I PROMSIED A BLOG DAYS AGO AND I AM JUST NOW DOING AND I AM NOT EVEN WRITING ON WHAT I WAS GOING TOO ANYWAY. FRUSTRATING. MAYBE I AM SELFISH WITH MY TIME BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING UP WHAT MAKES ME ON THE WRITING. NOT HAPPENING AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STANDING IN THE WAY OF IT. SOMETIMES LIFE JUST TAKES OVER. I UNDERSTAND. I JUST GOT TO DO BETTER AT THIS. AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GIVE MYSELF. I MEAN REALLY. FUCK. I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. FUCK ME. I FEEL LIKE A FAILER.

Bitch Out

You know what I am a complainer. I like to complain. But what does it say when the complainer says that it is just time to stop complaining? Its pretty fucking bad. I am almost to the point to stop talking to this person because they are bringing me down so bad.  I don't want too but I am trying to do things better in my life fix my mistakes why do I need someone to keep reminding me of my faults and or making some things worse than they are by exaggerating on a particular situation. Yes, I have made some really bad fucking choices have hurt lots of people but damn fucking shut up and change it. Its already known your not going to take any ones advice but your own so just fix it, see it, own it! I have to every fucking day. Even if its a little mistake I still have to own up to it and fix it. I can point and blame for so long and boom right in my fucking face again. Fuck that shit. Just deal with it and take care of it don't swim around in your own shit for years because your too fucking scared. Stop saying that your gonna do and then never do. Just make yourself happy for once. Damn.

Jasmine in the Asphalt feilds

So what can I really say about the last couple of weeks...So much has happened not only mentally but physicaly for me too. Life changing. Not much to really go on about...

I do have one thing I would like to bitch about today and I might piss someone off but it really needs to be said. So here it goes.

Not everyone is against you and not everything is your fault. This is something I try to overcome on somethings still today. But somethings just happen and there is nothing you can do about it. I have always said that YOU make the choices that change your life. Not that I don't believe in a greater power to lead us; just I think we always have a choice to change it. It always gives you a choice. Sometimes you make the right choice and sometimes you don't. Sometimes those choices follow you for years...sometimes you just dwell on them for so long that they are like brand new in your eyes all the time.

 Example: I remember once when a friend hurt me. She said some really bad things that hurt really deep to the core of who I was, though I am not that person anymore, I still from time to time look in the mirror and say "I am not a horrible person." It took a really long time for me to even say it. Though this person and I are good friends today and we have both apologized to each other, I still sometimes think I must be a horrible person. Its not her fault I have this downfall but I sometimes still have it. I have to tell myself that I am just not that person anymore. Move on I say. I wanted to change myself.

So I changed and I discovered a world that had been waiting for me. I became stronger. Not only emotionally but mentally. I sometimes wonder about my sisters though. They each dwell on their own needs and forget that others have feelings too. Trust me I am not a perfect person I have my moments and I will be the first to say that. But how can I trust in my sisters when they are not strong enough to trust in themselves? There is a battle before us and so far I have one that I shut off and blocked out of something she can control, I have another that is demeaning herself and dealing with things she needs to let go before they are used against her, and another that just needs to know that we love her and believe in herself and she can accomplish great things.  After everything I have seen and all that I have made it through I have no reason not to beleive in myself. I can do anything I can overcome and I can come back and save my loved ones even if they dont want to be saved.

I cant let them take control. I would not be that person to let them hurt themselves because their minds were not open or their souls were roaming in another place. Though my soul always wonders looking for the Jasmine in the asphalt filled feilds, I can control those that have tried to take me from my reality. Sometimes what you dont see and sometimes the stories that you think you know are so much bigger than what you think they are. Never judge me. I would blow your mind. That is if I ever chose to tell you. I am not about the been there done that shit. But if I tell you something and or tell you do to something, you should probley beleive me and do it. Just sayin...

So to my sisters: Time to snap out of it. We need eachother now and we not only need to believe in ourselfs but eachother. So before I can put my life in your hands. Fix it. Stop blaming everything on yourself, stop complaining that everyone is against you and for Goddess sake remember that in your choices you need to make sure you think of someone besides yourself. Remember that you are strong and that you can do what people say you cant and you can over come the hardest roads if you just wake up every day knowing that your not going to let anyone walk all over you. Help those that need it. Maybe just a little, maybe just a lot. Maybe you got to forget the past and realize that sometimes its just not about you anymore but about that person who was placed in your life right here, right now that needs YOU! Remember YOU make the choices in your life, you chose what road to travel. You choose to play the fiddle or to keep on walking. You can beat the greater evil without selling your soul to be happy.

Signing off...just for a bit.

Today I deleted my Facebook account. I am unsure if I will go back. I dont think that I need it. It seems like a big deal. It really is. A lot of my friends and family are on it. But there is always something. Just as much as there is good, there is bad. I know those that are my friends will come read my blog. If they actually were reading it. But this is not about my blog. It is about me. About where I belong in life. I dont need the added on drama. I dont want to know other people's problems. I just dont care about it that much. Maybe that is what makes me such a bitch as my brother likes to call me. But sometimes I wonder if people really use their brains? Have I crossed some kind of bridge that I can just look at people and go "what the fuck did you think was gunna happen?" I mean really I know I have made choices that people have looked at me about and thought the very same things. "Are you sure you really want to do that?" and "I wouldn't do that if I were you." and my favorite from my mom "you did what?" I see myself saying these things a lot. I dont know why. But sometimes I wonder why I enlisted in the whole idea of people in my life. They complicate my thoughts. Yes, I am a person. I am just as human as you but at the same time I am done dealing with the crap of people. People are dumb. They piss me off so much. Yes, I am sorry I really really like it in my head right now. No I am not depressed, in fact I am very very happy. I feel my fingers tingeling and if someone gets in the way of it, it will go away again. I dont have time. I have wasted so many years and it is all about to spill into a void if I do not do something about it first. Fuck the rest of it. I need to get this out. I dont need the interaction in the drawings of it either. Call me selfish but this is me signing off for just a little while...just so the void does not become full of my words.

Lighting my broken Tardis.

Over the past week I have found that I have reached inside me and found a little light that put a smile on my face. First time in months I think I giggled at the dumbest joke told to me. Strange how when left alone the roads that are open to you. I have a lot to clean up in my life. I was on a bitter road of depression, not only did my body and emotions state it but the way I lived did as well. Taking the extra time to get ready everyday just to make sure I feel good about myself as I walk out the door, actually having the motivation to clean up after myself. I did not realize how depressed I really was. It was like I just forgot the world. I was lost, a machine, a zombie! I dont know what it was that really ignited that little light deep inside me. Its like the engine blew up on the Tardis and the only thing still sparking is the lonely little spark plug that brought it back to life.

Perhaps it was a smile at the right time or a conversation that meant something more than just a little flirting? Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to sit down at a meal with a Christian and an Athiest and have a conversation about science of all things and it was one of the best convos I have had in a long while. That one is written in the history books. I loved every seceond of it.  Maybe, its the fact that I know that everyone is at least a phone call away from falling themselves. That I know I am not the only one floating around wondering whats going to happen next? Then there are those who I watch the hand feed and I wonder why did it stop feeding me? I know, because a long time ago I was the one that was pegged to be stronger. The one to get it and take and live with it. To help others when they asked and sometimes when they dont.  I am the strong one. People dont worry about me when they dont hear about me because I find a way out. I find a way through. Now wheather I come out 100% is a question yet to be answered. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted to deal with other peoples problems. I never asked for this. It was given to me.

Some are still scared to come to me with the whole truth about things that happen. I really dont want all the facts. Sorry love, sometimes its just not needed. Something that no one understands is that I need to regenerate so to say. I get lost in all the hopelessness that people pass along the day I turn out like I did. Yes, the road that brought me to that darker road was my own...and then some. Some people you just cant save. Not because they wont allow you to just because it is not meant to happen. Sad day when one realizes that they have changed their live to save a life that did not want to be saved. Someday, someone will save him, but it wont be me. I was mearly a passer by in a life that was suppsed to only give guidence to a better way of life. I am in the understanding that I may never see that person again. Shared a lot with him. But altogether, I was mearly just a short time in all the life he has yet to live. As he was in mine.

Opening doors again is not easy, when you were made to shut them down. I know who I am, what I believe and what roads I walk down to get things done. I can not change anyone but myself and if others dont accept who I am then what am I to do about it? Not much to do but nothing. Even if my own father can walk away from me at my brothers wedding and still can walk down the road in his own shoes. It will not change who I am and what I have done in my life. It does not effect the way that I change myself today. I only hope that someday his road is his own and lead by only him and on that day I hope our roads cross so that I can tell him that I miss him and love him. I can only hope he accpets me. On that day my happiness will be such a bliss I will admit but it will not make the whole of my happiness. I have to move on and deal with the mistakes I have made.  After all they are mine and I am the only person that will answer to them in my final hours.

Some people dont like it when I say, "you make the choices in your life." I dont understand why they get so upset. I dont understand why they try to avoid such a realistic statement. How can you not make your own choices? Fate does not state everything, It can be changed. You have a destination. How you get there is your choice. Just like how happy or sad you are. It is all your choice. Mind over matter. I find that in my head I fight it all the time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have those choices. That I am actually the one making them. That I am the adult and the only person I answer too is me. I have forgotten that in all this world has shown me. I control everything that happens in my life. Only the actions that I do are the ones that change me to be the better person. Even though my life has walked me down some really crooked roads and I am finding lies from former relationships years after the fact, I am still growing to be better. So what if that was the way it happened, it happened and it happened a long time ago. Why would I still mourn over it today? Facinating, that I found the information but it means nothing now.

So I am holding the little spark that is lighting up my broken Tardis. Its only my choice if I want to give it another 10 years of my life or take it away. I am thinking that to be one of a kind, to be who I am...I will give it another 10 years of my life.

Someone to follow me into the Dark

I guess that you could say that I am having a hard time. I got what I wanted and that was to be alone. But then being alone was much better than being stuck with someone that you still felt like you were alone with.  Perhaps I belived Disney when he altered his fairy tales to always have a happy ending. Or perhaps just the idea that there might be someone out there that could make me just tremble all over by just the thought of them. It breaks my heart even more knowing that I have never felt that. I know people say, "oh, my husband doesnt make me feel like that everyday!"  Your always laughing at me. But what happens when he has to go away? What happens when you are alone. Who is there to hold you? Have you taken advantage of him? Taken the advantage that he will always be there? This can go vice versa for those "men" who read my blogs. Do we take avantage of out lovers and act like they will always be there? Those of us that sleep or slept next to a warm body that did not know how to love is even left wth the feeling that they should have snuggled a little closer when they had the chance. What I would give just for a warm touch right now. No, not sex, just the presence of someone who actually wants me to sit next to them, hold my hand, kiss me and let me know that they are not going to let me fade away. Knowing that they will follow me into the dark. Is that really so much to ask?

Knowing I would not follow my own former husband into the dark becuase he could not promise me that he would do the same. I walked away. Is there not someone who would challenge me? I know I could do it. The only proof I need is that you love me. That even if you dont make me tremble to my toes everyday that it wouldnt take much to make me. Someone to love me. Someone to follow me into the dark.

If I knew you loved me.

Sometimes I think late at night that I could forgive you for everything. If only I knew that you loved me. I could come to think that you would be accepted no matter what you did, if you could prove that you did in fact love me. I would even say that if you were on your knees begging me that all would be forgotten on what you have said and done to others. But you wont. You dont love me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever did? I was alone still married to you because you would not think of anyone but yourself and of course your grandparents. Yes, they are good people but at some point shouldnt I matter too? No, because I dont matter. If I were on the edge of the cliff and you had to jump over fire to save me, I know I would die. Sad hard truth. Truth hurts though. The truth that everything about you and I ended up a lie. Everything changed all the long conversations that of who we are and how we wanted life to be. It was a lie between eachother. You never understood anything. Because you never thought about anyone but yourself. So did you love me?