Sad day indeed.

I guess that sometimes life just does not make sense. In the last few months I can say that evey little drop of reality that I have tasted has been as unreal as it is real. I have asked myself lots of questions in the last few days that have left me wondering what kind of person I am. I should not dwell on my past. I should not think about my past except in cases not to repeat it. I have done a lot of people wrong. Again I am the first to admit that I might have screwed you over at some point and time. At one time I was really good at it. I am not that same person now. I try, to be the better person in the wrongs that happen. Sometimes being the better person is not letting people walk all over you. Sometimes being the better person is just not letting the things from the past walk right back in. I am not allowing that time to walk back into my life. No matter how much people try to bring it back up. I have lost that time. I have bound it up in my Book of Shadows even. That part of my life is closed. I had no problem clsoing it, I still have no problem clsoing it again if I have too. Perhaps the fact that I had what I would once call, a good friend of mine walk out of my life. It seems as though she cannot lock up that world to her. There are many reasons why I can see it to be so hard. However, in so many ways she has had the chance to place her foot on the ass and shove it out the damn door. But she keeps opening up to the those doors that have big fucking "open me" signs. I have to let her go if she wants to dwell in the past of that, big pile of elephant crap, so I move on. I am done crying over her. I am just done. In a way I feel relieved that I have made this choice. Sad day indeed.

As for talking about people I love. I am not loved. At least not in the way I want to be loved. I am looking and seeking for the same things even though I was married. Soon to not be married. I even try to encourage him to do better and that he can do anything and I find out that all he wants me to do is to stop calling him. How pissy is that. He is walking away like it never happened. Does that mean he never loved me? Does that mean he married me because...? I married him because at one time I loved him. Looks like that was not his intention at all. So if I cry I cry because I am still seeking what I can not find. What a sad day indeed.